A modern farce - set in a church hall.
When the well-meaning but anxious vicar of Little Buckton sets out to impress a visiting Bishop, he believes he’s found the perfect solution - a celebrity guest to open the village fete.
But when a mix-up involving some dangerously potent homemade “elderflower cordial” leaves the glamorous actress less than composed, the day begins to spiral spectacularly out of control.
As torrential rain drives everything indoors, rival committee members compete for attention, a hard-of-hearing sound engineer makes matters worse, and a star-struck young ‘influencer’ captures more than she bargained for. With a well-intentioned plan to keep the truth hidden unravelling by the minute, a series of increasingly ridiculous misunderstandings - including a very unconvincing disguise - threatens to expose everything.
With reputations on the line and chaos mounting, it falls to the ever-observant Edna to decide how the story ends… especially when the whole fiasco may already have been recorded for the world to see.
Packed with fast-paced dialogue, farcical confusion, and larger-than-life village characters, Fete Fiasco is a riotous comedy about ambition, appearances, and the dangers of being caught on camera when everything goes wrong.
Character List
5m/6f
REVEREND SIMON CARTER
The vicar of Little Buckton. Innocent and slightly naive. Feels his position is at risk and is desperate to please the Bishop. Has a plan up his sleeve.
JULIA CARTER
Simon’s wife. Loves Simon very much but tells it how it is. Likes to tease Simon but is also his biggest supporter.
LOLA HALL
Film star with a bad reputation. Desperate to turn over a new leaf and stay away from the wrong sort of headlines.
MARGARET POOLE
Fete organiser. Long standing member of the church charity committee. Fond of Simon. Not so fond of Brenda.
BRENDA WILKES
Newly appointed chair of the church charity committee. Fond of Simon. Not so fond of Margaret.
EDNA TROWBRIDGE
Little Buckton villager and long-standing member of the congregation. Observes everything. More to her than meets the eye.
ALFIE PUDDLE
Local farmer and moonshine maker. Salt of the earth. Doesn’t mean to cause trouble but…
KEITH DOBSON
Ex-roadie turned church sound engineer. Deaf in one ear. Happy to help. Has a gentle spirit.
BISHOP CASTLE
Pompous and forgetful. Not fond of Simon or the smaller parishes, would rather be in the bigger, more important places. Loves initiative.
TARA
An excitable superfan of Lola Hall who vlogs everything for her Youtube channel Lola’s Lovelies. Convinced she’s covering a major celebrity event, she brings big influencer energy to a very unglamorous village hall.
SID
A mildly baffled local who mistakes the fete for a market and wanders in at the worst possible moments, asking entirely the wrong questions.
Script Sample
SID: Morning.
JULIA: Oh morning, Sid.
SID: Is this the market?
JULIA: No, it’s the fete.
SID: Oh. I thought the market was every Tuesday?
JULIA: It’s Saturday, Sid.
SID: Is it? Bugger.. That explains why me milk has gone lumpy.
JULIA: (Rolling her eyes) Why don’t you come back later when the fete is open?
SID: Could do. What you got happenin’ then - games an’ that?
JULIA: Yep, all sorts of fun things to do. You can have a go on the tombola
SID: Oh I likes a gamble I does. My ex missus once bet me two hundred quid that I couldn’t do a butterfly impression. (Beat) Well I thought - that’s got to be worth a little flutter.
JULIA: (To herself) It’s too bloody early for this!
SID: She was always havin’ a go at me, that woman. D’you know, she once got angry at me over our spaniel. She goes “Have you seen the dog bowl?” Well I was right confused, I didn’t even know he could play cricket!
JULIA: (Rolling her eyes) Anyway Sid, must get on, we’ll see you later ok? Fete opens at 11. (She ushers him out)
SID: Righto - I need to get down the butchers anyway. They does a lovely lamb chop on a Wednesday. Cheerio! (He exits) (D2)
JULIA: (To herself) Well, I think I’ve hit my quota of idiots for the day..
(KEITH enters (D1) with headphones around his neck. He is carrying a microphone stand, an amp and some cables)
KEITH: Morning Mrs Rev - I’ve come to set up the P.A. system.
JULIA: (Aside) Oh, never mind! (Beat) Morning, Keith. You’re very keen.
KEITH: Thanks, I have lost a bit of weight.
JULIA: I said keen, Keith.
KEITH: Oh.
JULIA: Now Keith… Did you bring everything you need?
KEITH: Yes. (Beat) Mostly.
JULIA: Mostly?
KEITH: I couldn’t find the long lead, so I brought two short ones and some tape.
JULIA: Right..
KEITH: Anything’s possible with adhesive and a prayer.
JULIA: That should be on a mug.
(Keith begins plugging in cables)
JULIA (cont.): Talking of mugs, can I just remind you…
KEITH: (Interrupting) I know, I know. Last year.
JULIA: Last year you announced the tombola winners before anyone had bought a ticket.
KEITH: That was efficiency.
JULIA: It was chaos.
KEITH: Tomato, potato.
SFX: (He taps the microphone. A loud crackle)
JULIA: (Covering her ears) Keith! Not so loud.
KEITH: (Looking at his watch) It’s about half past eight Mrs Rev.
JULIA: (Rolling her eyes) Keith… (Choosing her words) Are you hearing me clearly?
KEITH: Of course I am.
JULIA: All of me?
KEITH: Well… not the left side. But that’s been gone since ’98.
JULIA: What happened in 1998?
KEITH: I was on tour across Europe - I was the roadie for a rock band.
JULIA: Oh I never knew that Keith, it sounds exciting. Did you meet lots of interesting people along the way?
KEITH: Yeah I made loads of friends from all different countries. I had a German mate, a Polish mate, and a Czech one too. (Beat) My job was to stand right by the amps at the front and make sure they were working properly. I can still feel the bass in my fillings.
JULIA: Well that explains a lot! So when I say something important..
KEITH: I just nod.
JULIA: And when I say something very important?
KEITH: I nod slower.
JULIA: Keith, today is a delicate operation.
KEITH: Oh I’m sorry Mrs Rev, I wish you a speedy recovery.
JULIA: (Aside) Lord give me strength. (Clearly) Metaphorically delicate.
KEITH: Oh! Right.
JULIA: Simon is under a lot of stress and he needs today to go well. So… please make sure that whatever is said today is what’s meant to be said. We want no surprises.
KEITH: No problem Mrs Rev. You can count on me to do things my way.
JULIA: That’s what worries me. Right, I have things to do - I shall leave you to it. (She exits) (D3)
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