Fete Fiasco

A farce by Tim Badger

When the well-meaning but anxious vicar of Little Buckton sets out to impress a visiting Bishop, he believes he’s found the perfect solution - a celebrity guest to open the village fete.

But when a mix-up involving some dangerously potent homemade “elderflower cordial” leaves the glamorous actress less than composed, the day begins to spiral spectacularly out of control.

As torrential rain drives everything indoors, rival committee members compete for attention, a hard-of-hearing sound engineer makes matters worse, and a star-struck young ‘influencer’ captures more than she bargained for. With a well-intentioned plan to keep the truth hidden unravelling by the minute, a series of increasingly ridiculous misunderstandings - including a very unconvincing disguise - threatens to expose everything.

With reputations on the line and chaos mounting, it falls to the ever-observant Edna to decide how the story ends… especially when the whole fiasco may already have been recorded for the world to see.

Packed with fast-paced dialogue, farcical confusion, and larger-than-life village characters, Fete Fiasco is a riotous comedy about ambition, appearances, and the dangers of being caught on camera when everything goes wrong.

© 2026 Tim Badger Plays. All rights reserved.
This play may not be performed, copied, or distributed without permission from the author.

Character List

REVEREND SIMON CARTER
The vicar of Little Buckton. Innocent and slightly naive. Feels his position is at risk and is desperate to please the Bishop. Has a plan up his sleeve.

JULIA CARTER
Simon’s wife. Loves Simon very much but tells it how it is. Likes to tease Simon but is also his biggest supporter.

LOLA HALL
Film star with a bad reputation. Desperate to turn over a new leaf and stay away from the wrong sort of headlines.

MARGARET POOLE
Fete organiser. Long standing member of the church charity committee. Fond of Simon. Not so fond of Brenda.

BRENDA WILKES
Newly appointed chair of the church charity committee. Fond of Simon. Not so fond of Margaret.

EDNA TROWBRIDGE
Little Buckton villager and long-standing member of the congregation. Observes everything. More to her than meets the eye.

ALFIE PUDDLE
Local farmer and moonshine maker. Salt of the earth. Doesn’t mean to cause trouble but…

KEITH DOBSON
Ex-roadie turned church sound engineer. Deaf in one ear. Happy to help. Has a gentle spirit. 

BISHOP CASTLE
Pompous and forgetful. Not fond of Simon or the smaller parishes, would rather be in the bigger, more important places. Loves initiative. 

TARA

An excitable superfan of Lola Hall who vlogs everything for her Youtube channel Lola’s Lovelies. Convinced she’s covering a major celebrity event, she brings big influencer energy to a very unglamorous village hall.

SID

A mildly baffled local who mistakes the fete for a market and wanders in at the worst possible moments, asking entirely the wrong questions. 

ACT ONE - SCENE ONE

SETTING: The hall of Little Buckton church. There are three entrances. An archway leading off USR (D1) An archway leading off USL (D2) and a door leading off SL (D3).

The space is empty except for stacked chairs, a trestle table, a crooked noticeboard and bunting half-hung. There is a pile of children’s stuffed toys in one corner.

A Saturday morning in spring

(Lights up on SIMON CARTER, the vicar, who stands centre stage. He is pacing and rehearsing a speech)

SIMON: (Precise, careful) A. E. I. O. U.

(He stops. Breathes. Starts again, louder)

SIMON: (cont.) A. E. I. O. U.

(He nods, pleased. Tries something else)

SIMON: (cont.) The Bishop’s boots are black. The Bishop’s boots are black. The Bishop’s boots.. (He trips over his own feet) …are black.

(He adjusts his collar. Clears his throat)

SIMON: (cont.)  “Welcome to our parish.”  No.  “Welcome back to our parish.”  No, that sounds defensive. (He starts pacing again)  A. E. I. O. U.

(JULIA enters (D3), carrying a mug. She stops, watches him for a moment)

JULIA: Are you warming up or summoning something?

SIMON: (Startled) Julia! I didn’t hear you.

JULIA: That’s because you were communing with the vowels.

SIMON: It’s articulation. One mustn’t let one’s vowels get lazy.

JULIA: Nor should they be at boot camp. (She crosses, looks around)  You’re early.

SIMON: I couldn’t sleep.

JULIA: Did my kidney pie go through you again?

SIMON: No Julia.. I’m trying to focus on the events of today. (She hands him the mug) Thank you.

JULIA: So come on then, what’s got you so worked up? It can’t just be today’s fete that’s got your collar in a spin.

SIMON: You know how important these events are Julia. All eyes are on me today. (He resumes pacing)

JULIA: (Watching him) You’re doing that thing again.

SIMON: What thing?

JULIA: The thing where you walk as if the pie did go through you.

SIMON: Julia please. I’m just trying to perfect my air of authority. The Bishop notices these things.

JULIA: The Bishop barely remembers he’s the bishop. He’s not concerned about what you’re doing.

SIMON: (Sullen) He doesn’t like me.

JULIA: Of course he does.

SIMON: He described my Christmas sermon as “well-intentioned”.

JULIA: That’s not a bad thing.

SIMON:  It’s the ecclesiastical equivalent of patting a dog. 

JULIA: Well, you are a good boy.

SIMON: (Ignoring that comment) He believes the parish lacks… vigour.

JULIA: We’re only a small village.

SIMON: He thinks we’re complacent.

JULIA: We held a quiz night in aid of the roof fund only last week.

SIMON: Yes, but only 5 people entered… and one of those was Mrs Gribble’s shih tzu! (Pause) Which is why today is important.

JULIA: Today is a fete.

SIMON: It’s a showcase.

JULIA: It’s a tombola with bunting.

SIMON: Once the Bishop sees we can host an extravaganza he’ll have to reconsider.

JULIA: Reconsider what?

SIMON: Whether I’m… quite right for this parish.

(Julia looks at him now, properly)

JULIA: Is that what all this is about?

SIMON: I just get the feeling he doesn’t want me here. He’d rather I was moved somewhere out of his diocese.

JULIA: (She squeezes his hand) Simon, you don’t need to impress him.

SIMON: I do if I want to stay.

JULIA: You stay because you belong here.

SIMON: Belonging isn’t always enough. (Pause) Julia…

JULIA: Yes dear?

SIMON: I may have… done something.

JULIA: (She steps away from him cautiously) Define “done”.

SIMON: I have taken the initiative.

JULIA: (Aside) Oh that’ll sort your dodgy tum. 

SIMON: I have secured… (beat) a guest.

JULIA: We always have guests.

SIMON: A special guest.

JULIA: (Suspicious) Simon…

SIMON: Someone who demonstrates cultural relevance.

JULIA: Simon…

SIMON: Someone who shows we are not afraid of the modern world.

JULIA: Simon, if you say an “influencer” I will leave you!

SFX: (Simon’s mobile rings)

SIMON: Ooh! Speak of the devil.. (Covers his mouth horrified with himself) I shouldn’t say that. 

(He rushes out (D1) to take his call) 

JULIA: (Calling after him) SIMON?! (To herself) What on earth has got into him today. 

(SID wanders in (D2), looking around, slightly puzzled)

SID: Morning.

JULIA: Oh morning, Sid.

SID: Is this the market?

JULIA: No, it’s the fete.

SID: Oh. I thought the market was every Tuesday?

JULIA: It’s Saturday, Sid.

SID: Is it? Bugger.. That explains why me milk has gone lumpy.

JULIA: (Rolling her eyes) Why don’t you come back later when the fete is open?

SID: Could do. What you got happenin’ then - games an’ that?

JULIA: Yep, all sorts of fun things to do. You can have a go on the tombola

SID: Oh I likes a gamble I does. My ex missus once bet me two hundred quid that I couldn’t do a butterfly impression. (Beat) Well I thought - that’s got to be worth a little flutter. 

JULIA: (To herself) It’s too bloody early for this! 

SID: She was always havin’ a go at me, that woman. D’you know, she once got angry at me over our spaniel. She goes “Have you seen the dog bowl?” Well I was right confused, I didn’t even know he could play cricket!

JULIA: (Rolling her eyes) Anyway Sid, must get on, we’ll see you later ok? Fete opens at 11. (She ushers him out) 

SID: Righto - I need to get down the butchers anyway. They does a lovely lamb chop on a Wednesday. Cheerio! (He exits) (D2)

JULIA: (To herself) Well, I think I’ve hit my quota of idiots for the day..

(KEITH enters (D1) with headphones around his neck. He is carrying a microphone stand, an amp and some cables)

KEITH: Morning Mrs Rev - I’ve come to set up the P.A. system.

JULIA: (Aside) Oh, never mind! (Beat) Morning, Keith. You’re very keen.

KEITH: Thanks, I have lost a bit of weight.

JULIA: I said keen, Keith.

KEITH: Oh.  

JULIA: Now Keith… Did you bring everything you need?

KEITH: Yes. (Beat) Mostly.

JULIA: Mostly?

KEITH: I couldn’t find the long lead, so I brought two short ones and some tape.

JULIA: Right..

KEITH: Anything’s possible with adhesive and a prayer.

JULIA: That should be on a mug.

(Keith begins plugging in cables)

JULIA (cont.): Talking of mugs, can I just remind you…

KEITH: (Interrupting) I know, I know. Last year.

JULIA: Last year you announced the tombola winners before anyone had bought a ticket.

KEITH: That was efficiency.

JULIA: It was chaos.

KEITH: Tomato, potato. 

SFX: (He taps the microphone. A loud crackle)

JULIA: (Covering her ears) Keith! Not so loud.

KEITH: (Looking at his watch) It’s about half past eight Mrs Rev.

JULIA: (Rolling her eyes) Keith… (Choosing her words) Are you hearing me clearly?

KEITH: Of course I am.

JULIA: All of me?

KEITH: Well… not the left side. But that’s been gone since ’98.

JULIA: What happened in 1998?

KEITH: I was on tour across Europe - I was the roadie for a rock band.

JULIA: Oh I never knew that Keith, it sounds exciting. Did you meet lots of interesting people along the way?

KEITH: Yeah I made loads of friends from all different countries. I had a German mate, a Polish mate, and a Czech one too. (Beat) My job was to stand right by the amps at the front and make sure they were working properly. I can still feel the bass in my fillings.

JULIA: Well that explains a lot! So when I say something important..

KEITH: I just nod.

JULIA: And when I say something very important?

KEITH: I nod slower.

JULIA: Keith, today is a delicate operation.

KEITH: Oh I’m sorry Mrs Rev, I wish you a speedy recovery. 

JULIA: (Aside) Lord give me strength. (Clearly) Metaphorically delicate.

KEITH: Oh! Right.

JULIA: Simon is under a lot of stress and he needs today to go well. So… please make sure that whatever is said today is what’s meant to be said. We want no surprises.

KEITH: No problem Mrs Rev. You can count on me to do things my way. 

JULIA: That’s what worries me. Right, I have things to do - I shall leave you to it. (She exits) (D3)

(KEITH puts on his headphones and continues setting up the equipment when ALFIE appears (D2) in muddy wellies and carrying a battered feed sack with a skull and crossbones on it)

ALFIE: (Trying to get KEITH’S attention) Psst!

(KEITH is oblivious)

ALFIE: (Louder) PSST!

(KEITH still not noticing) 

ALFIE: Christ, it’s like tryin’ to summon the bloody dead. (Walks across to KEITH and taps him on the shoulder) OI KEITH!

KEITH: (Startled, removing the headphones) Bloody hell Alf, you nearly gave me a heart attack.

ALFIE: You really should get your ears checked out.

KEITH: I did. I went to the doctor and he said “What are the symptoms?” I said “Well they’re a yellow cartoon family, but what’s that got to do with anything!” 

ALFIE: Give me strength.

KEITH: Then he says, “I know what’s wrong with your ear.” I said, “Are you sure?” and he goes “Yeah, definite!” (Beat) Anyway, how’s you Alf? Not seen you for a while. 

ALFIE: Oh I’ve been busy down at the farm mate. Last week I had a man from DEFRA round, wanting to check over all the milking equipment. 

KEITH: That sounds annoying. 

ALFIE: Yeah, it’s udder nonsense if you ask me! (Beat) Worse still, he knocked over two pails of milk. 

KEITH: Oh bugger. Still, no use crying over it hey? 

ALFIE: So what’re you doing?

KEITH: I’m setting up the P.A. System for the fete.

ALFIE: Looked like you were wrestlin’ it.

KEITH: It started it. (Gives the wires a kick)

(ALFIE lifts his bag slightly and checks the coast is clear)

ALFIE: Anyway, listen.. (Looks around to check they are alone) I’ve brought something. (He holds up the bag)

KEITH: (Peers) Is that a snake?

ALFIE: It’s drink you idiot.

KEITH: Oh good. I was worried it was poisonous. 

ALFIE: (Aside) Well, it aint far off. (Beat) Look, I’ve made a fresh batch of my elderflower hooch. It’s been brewin’ in the lambshed all winter…but I don’t want the vicar knowing about it.

KEITH: Why?

ALFIE: Because he’ll make a face.

KEITH: He does that anyway, although usually after eating Mrs Rev’s cooking.

ALFIE: Cor, do you remember that time he had to keep running to the loo during every hymn?

KEITH: Haha yeah! (Beat) I just wish I hadn’t given him that clip on microphone to wear. Those sounds still haunt my dreams.

ALFIE: D’you remember? He ran out of loo roll and had to rip up old hymn books?

KEITH: Oh yeah! Mrs Rev said she was reading psalms off his behind for a week!

(They laugh)

ALFIE: Anyway, I’ve got two bottles here. It’s just a little somethin’ for the grown-ups.

KEITH: How little?

ALFIE: Depends how brave you are. 

KEITH: Right.

ALFIE: Just be careful lightin’ your cigarettes after you’ve had a sip. 

KEITH: And why are you giving them to me?

ALFIE: Because I’ve gotta go and set up the ‘splat a rat’ stall - just make sure you put them bottles anywhere the vicar won’t find ‘em. (He hands the bottles over and exits) (D1)

(Before KEITH can think of what to do with the bottles, MARGARET enters holding a clipboard (D2), followed by EDNA carrying a box) (D2)

MARGARET: Why is nothing ready? I specifically told Brenda to be here at 8am sharp to begin her work, so that I would have plenty of time to correct it before the Bishop arrives (She sees KEITH holding the bottles) And what is that?

KEITH: (Too quickly) Nothing! I mean… umm… it’s elderflower.

MARGARET: Is it for the fete?

KEITH: Sort of.

MARGARET: Well is it or not? Come on, we don’t have all day.

KEITH: Err yes then. (MARGARET takes the bottles from KEITH) Careful with that.

MARGARET: I’ve been running fetes for twenty years and I don’t need YOU to tell me how to manage my liquids.

EDNA: (Aside) Yeah, the Tena pants see to that..

MARGARET: Edna, take this out to the drinks table on the lawn.

EDNA: Oi. What did your last slave die of? 

MARGARET: I do not have time for your attitude today Edna. I simply require you to do as you’re told. 

EDNA: Look, I’m not being ordered about like a Victorian orphan.

MARGARET: Fine, I shall do it myself. Anyone would think you want the vicar to be disappointed (She exits huffily) (D1).

EDNA: Hark at her! (Mimics MARGARET) “I simply require you to do as you’re told” (She puts her box down and takes out her notebook) Who does she think she is? 

KEITH: What’s got into her? She never used to be like that.

EDNA: You know she’s only been like that since Brenda was made head of the church charity committee. That’s what’s caused all the trouble..

KEITH: What trouble?

EDNA: The tension. You could hang bunting off it. It’s all competition of course.

KEITH: Competition for what?

EDNA: Simon.

KEITH: The vicar?

EDNA: Yes, the vicar.

KEITH: They’re not interested in him?

EDNA: They absolutely are.

KEITH: But Margaret’s interested in organisation.

EDNA: That’s foreplay for her.

KEITH: And Brenda’s interested in charity work.

EDNA: She’s interested in being seen doing charity work. Preferably while Simon’s watching.

KEITH: Nahh, I don’t see it.

EDNA: Of course you don’t. You’re a man. (Beat)  And half deaf to boot.

KEITH: Eh? (Beat) So is that why Margaret always brings homemade chutney?

EDNA: That’s flirting, Keith.

KEITH: But.. they’re both very… committed.

EDNA: The way they behave they bloody should be! (Beat) They’re only interested in winning.

KEITH: Winning what?

EDNA: Favour. Attention. (Beat)  Best seat at harvest supper.

KEITH: So that’s why they don’t get on.

EDNA: Oh, they get on fine when Simon’s not about.

KEITH: Really?

EDNA: Like sisters. (Beat) Well, ugly sisters…

KEITH: You don’t mind all this then?

EDNA: Mind? I live for it. This stuff is gold (taps her notebook).

KEITH: Doesn’t the Rev notice?

EDNA: Simon is too busy trying to please the Bishop. He’s oblivious to their desperate attempts to woo him.

KEITH: What about Mrs Rev, surely she sees it. She’s a smart cookie, that woman.

EDNA: Oh she sees it alright. But she also knows what Simon’s like, it would take a special woman on the scene to make Julia jealous.

KEITH: So what do we do about those two then? 

EDNA: We sit back and enjoy! And hope one of them overreacts. (A pause. EDNA smiles to herself) Or both of them, if we’re lucky.

(Enter BRENDA (D2), brisk, immaculate, carrying a clipboard)

BRENDA: I’m here.

EDNA: Oh goody.. So it begins..

BRENDA: Good morning everyone. (Looks around the hall) Oh. We’ve gone for rustic have we? (Checks clipboard) Where’s Margaret?

EDNA: Stomping around outside somewhere.

BRENDA: Ah. So we’re already behind schedule. (Glancing at her watch) I did say eight o’clock sharp.

KEITH: But it’s gone half past…

BRENDA: Exactly. I wanted to give her time to get started before I came in and did things the correct way.

EDNA: (To KEITH) See! I told you..

BRENDA: I’m assuming Margaret has taken charge of refreshments.

KEITH: Taken them hostage, more like.

BRENDA: Good. That’s a role more fitting for her… skillset. 

EDNA: Careful, Brenda. If you say her name three times she’ll reappear.

BRENDA: I am not afraid of Margaret.

KEITH: Even though she’s very experienced?

BRENDA: So am I.

KEITH: She’s run the fete for twenty years.

BRENDA: Yes…well, that’ll be why the charity funds are in such a sorry state. (Beat) I just want today to reflect well on the vicar… er the parish. 

EDNA: Well so does Margaret.

BRENDA: Does she indeed?

EDNA: Yes. She just wants it to reflect more well on her.

BRENDA: (Nonchalantly) Where is Simon.. err the Vicar, by the way?

EDNA: He was outside on the telephone just now. He looked very animated.

BRENDA: Of course he was, it’s a big day for him.

KEITH: He’s under a lot of pressure.

BRENDA: I know. (Beat) Which is why it’s important he sees who’s truly supporting him.

EDNA: (Her eyes light up) Yes, we love to see that too.

(MARGARET re-enters (D1), already bristling)

MARGARET: Right. That’s sorted.

BRENDA: Are you sure?

MARGARET: Oh, it’s you. Yes, I have sorted the issue in your absence.

BRENDA: Because I was thinking…

MARGARET: Of course you were.

(They face each other with pleasant smiles but an air of tension)

BRENDA: I did say eight o’clock.

MARGARET: And I did say I’ve been doing this for twenty years.

BRENDA: Yes. (Beat) And traditions do need reviewing.

EDNA: (Aside) Ooh. That’s a good one. (She scribbles in her notebook)

MARGARET: If you’ve come to criticise…

BRENDA: …support. (Beat) I’ve come to support.

KEITH: Sounds like criticism to me.

(A brittle pause)

EDNA: Well. This is cosy. 

(SIMON re-enters (D1) looking very pleased with himself. MARGARET and BRENDA instantly melt into sickly smiles)

SIMON: Oh you’re all here, I’m so glad. I have very exciting news! Where’s Julia?

MARGARET: Who?

SIMON: My wife..

MARGARET: (Fake laugh) Oh yes of course, haha. Just a little joke. 

BRENDA: (Speciously) We’re not sure Simon. It’s a shame she doesn’t see fit to support you on such a big day.

KEITH: She’s just in the next room Rev, want me to grab her for you?

SIMON: Oh yes please Mr Dobson, that would be super.

(KEITH exits) (D3)

MARGARET: We’ve all been pitching in, Vicar. Some of us since very early this morning.

BRENDA: Yes, well, preparation is everything. I’ve personally overseen the layout, the schedule, and the running order for the opening.

MARGARET: Naturally, I’ve coordinated the stalls, the refreshments, the raffle and the volunteers.

BRENDA: I did offer to help with the raffle.

MARGARET: You were too busy.. arriving.

SIMON: Well, that all sounds wonderfully thorough.

MARGARET: I just want today to reflect on you, Vicar. Your values. Your vision for the parish.

BRENDA: And I want it to run smoothly. Which it will. Because I’ve made sure it does.

MARGARET: The Bishop appreciates initiative.

BRENDA: The Bishop appreciates organisation.

MARGARET: He appreciates results.

BRENDA: He appreciates leadership.

SIMON: (Raising a hand, smiling) Now, now, ladies. I’m quite certain you’ve both been of enormous help to the vicarage.

MARGARET: Of course.

BRENDA: Naturally.

SIMON: And I’m very grateful. Truly. (He beams, utterly sincere) We couldn’t do it without such… dedication.

(MARGARET and BRENDA exchange identical, tight smiles)

(KEITH re-enters with JULIA) (D3)

SIMON: Oh good, you’re back. Now if you would all please take a seat, there is something I want to tell you.

JULIA: Really Simon, must we? We’re all very busy!  

SIMON: Please indulge me, I promise it will be worth your while.

MARGARET: No problem at all Vicar, we have time for you.

BRENDA: Absolutely Vicar, we’re all ears.

(They each take a chair and sit in a semi-organised pattern facing SIMON. JULIA remains stood next to SIMON)

SIMON: Thank you. (He takes a nervous breath) Now, as you all know, today is an important day for the parish.

MARGARET: Is something wrong with the schedule?

BRENDA: Or the running order?

KEITH: Or the microphone?

SIMON: No! No, nothing like that. This is… good news.

JULIA: Simon?

SIMON: Just a moment, Julia. (He paces slightly. Smiles) I wanted today to show the Bishop that our parish is… vibrant. Engaged. Forward-thinking… 

EDNA: (Sarcastically) Ambitious..

SIMON: Exactly! So I took it upon myself to invite someone special to open the fete.

(A beat)

BRENDA: Special how?

MARGARET: Local special or proper special?

SIMON: Well…I’m not sure how I’ve managed it, but after some phone calls and some excellent persuading on my part..  I am pleased to say that none other than.. Lola Hall will be joining us.

(Silence)

EDNA: Lola Hall?

KEITH: From the telly?

BRENDA: The actress?

MARGARET: That Lola Hall?

KEITH: The one from Midnight at the Manor?

BRENDA: (Scoffing) Call that a manor?

KEITH: It had fancy curtains.

JULIA: Simon?

SIMON: Yes?

JULIA: Which Lola Hall?

SIMON: The Lola Hall.

BRENDA:  She’s… (Searching) um.. very modern.

MARGARET:  She’s known for… certain roles.

EDNA:  Very committed roles.

SIMON: She’s a fantastic actress.

JULIA: She’s an actress who removes her clothes Simon.

SIMON: For art.

KEITH: Ooh! She did that film where she was in the barn, where she got all soaking wet and then she took off her..

SIMON: Keith!

KEITH: Err I only remember the lighting really…

MARGARET: She may be a famous actress, but what about all the stories..

BRENDA: She’s always in the papers!

JULIA: Simon, she once accepted an award wearing less fabric than that noticeboard.

SIMON: She’s also very keen to support local communities.

JULIA: Is she indeed!

SIMON: Lola Hall is a respected professional.

EDNA: With a big reputation.

JULIA: She has a big reputation for overindulging. Publicly.

BRENDA: She does have a flair for publicity.

EDNA: But with a very strong fan base.

SIMON: Exactly! And somebody has put in a kind word for us and she has very generously agreed to support the village.

KEITH:  Does she know it’s this village?

JULIA: It does raise questions, Simon. Is she really the right…fit?

SIMON: Of course she is. Now, before anyone worries… (Slightly too quick) I’m assured that her bad points are behind her… 

JULIA: In the magazines those points are very much in front of her!

SIMON: (Continuing) Yes, she may have been swayed by the celebrity lifestyle in the past, but I believe everyone deserves a second chance and we are exactly the parish to offer that.

KEITH: Hear hear! 

EDNA: I’ve heard she’s turned over a new leaf.

JULIA: (Aside) With her history she’ll need a petrol blower to do it!

MARGARET:  Well that’s… reassuring.

BRENDA: Very responsible.

(A ripple of reaction)

EDNA: Oh, this is so exciting. She’s a VERY good actress.

KEITH: Should I announce her?

SIMON: Not yet! She’ll arrive discreetly, say a few words and open the fete. Perfectly appropriate.

MARGARET:  I’ll make sure she’s looked after.

BRENDA: I’ll personally see she’s comfortable.

(They look at each other)

SIMON: (Smiling) So… that’s the news.

(Everyone processes)

JULIA: And when is Lola Hall arriving?

SIMON: (Checks his watch) In half an hour! So if you would all please continue with your duties, we can make sure we’re ready for her arrival.

(Everyone jumps to action and heads out to the lawns (D1) leaving SIMON and JULIA - EDNA lingers in the doorway)

JULIA: I’m not sure about this Simon.

SIMON: Why ever not?

JULIA: You’ve read the stories!

SIMON: (Simon gently takes Julia’s hands) Nothing improper will happen.

JULIA: You cannot promise that.

SIMON: I am a man of the cloth.

JULIA: You are a man in an empty church hall about to host a famous woman known for her… charms.

SIMON: She’s on the wagon.

JULIA: On the flagon more like!

SIMON: She was very clear.

JULIA: So are most of her outfits!

SIMON: Look, this is exactly the sort of thing that will make the Bishop stand up and take notice. 

JULIA: It’s your bishop standing up and taking notice I’m worried about!

SIMON: Julia! Please! (Blushing) After today he’ll see what sort of a man I really am. This is it Julia, I can feel it. Things are on the up! 

Lights fade - End of Scene One

ACT ONE - SCENE TWO

The church hall. 30 minutes later.

AT RISE: (The hall is empty. The chairs from the previous scene are once again stacked away and the PA speaker remains)

(TARA enters cautiously. (D2) She is wearing her Lola ‘merch’, including a t-shirt with a large image of Lola. She is holding her phone/camera out in front of her, filming)

TARA (On-camera): (Quietly to camera) Ok guys… I think I’m in.

(She looks around, then beams)

TARA (On-camera cont.): Hi Lola’s Lovelies - it's your girl Tara here, welcome back to the channel. You join me LIVE from Little Buckton… yes, Little Buckton - I’ve no idea either… where, if the rumours are true…(Pauses for dramatic effect) Lola Hall… is about to make a public appearance.

(She lets out a little scream of joy and spins, showing the hall)

TARA (On-camera cont.): Now I know what you’re thinking “Tara, why are you in a church hall?” (Beat) And honestly? Same.This is SOOOO beneath Lola’s usual standards.

(She walks further in, inspecting things like a reporter)

TARA (On-camera cont): We’ve got bunting… we’ve got chairs… we’ve got… well that’s about it. Which can only mean one thing.. (dramatic pause) this is a rebranding moment. (She squeals) Hashtag - new chapter!

(She lowers the phone briefly and mutters to herself)

TARA (off-camera): Oh my gosh, she’s actually going to be here…eeeee. Come on Tara, breathe, this is the moment you’ve been waiting for.

(She takes a deep breath and resumes her ‘on-camera persona’)

TARA (on-camera): Now for those of you who don’t know Lola Hall... (Disgusted and dead serious) Ugh! Sort your lives out. (Pause) I’ve followed her career for years. The films, the interviews, the outfits, the awards, the… incidents…(Beat) We don’t judge.

(She lowers the phone and adjusts her hair, suddenly nervous)

TARA (off-camera): What if I meet her? O. M. G! Come on Tara, get a grip.

(Then instantly back to on-camera persona)

TARA (on-camera): The plan is simple. We wait… we observe… and if the opportunity presents itself…We meet our Queen!!! Eeeeee

(She hears voices off)

TARA (On-camera): Okay. This could be it. This could be her.

(She quickly positions herself ‘casually’  - camera ready)

(MARGARET enters energised (D1), muttering and ticking off her clipboard. BRENDA follows, composed. EDNA trails behind, watching everything)

MARGARET: Right, we need to rethink the layout…  (She stops dead upon seeing Tara) Who are you?

(TARA flips into ‘on-camera mode’, smiling brightly)

TARA: Hi! Just… soaking up the atmosphere!

BRENDA: This area is not open to the public yet.

TARA: Oh I’m not the public, I’m… media.

EDNA: Oh this’ll be good…

MARGARET: Media?

TARA: Yes.. digital media.

BRENDA: Which publication?

TARA: It’s a vlog channel called ‘Lola’s Lovelies’.

MARGARET: A what?

TARA: On Youtube!

MARGARET: On whose tube?!

BRENDA: It’s a website where people share videos, Margaret. Of course, as committee chair I have to keep up to date with the modern trends. 

EDNA: Is that right? 

BRENDA: As a matter of fact, I was going to suggest we set up an account on TicTac - I’ve heard it’s all the rage with younger people. 

TARA: Umm, I think you mean TikTok. 

BRENDA: (Embarrassed) I know what I meant. 

EDNA: (To Tara) Don’t worry love, we’re a bit behind the times here. Margaret doesn’t even watch Channel 4 because she thinks it’s too modern.

MARGARET: (Remembering the horror) I can’t repeat what I saw on there… 

EDNA: (To TARA) She accidentally recorded one of those dating shows.. You know, where they reveal them - one bit at a time.

TARA: (Knowingly) Oh I see. 

EDNA: It’s alright, she rewound the programme to make sure they all put their clothes back on. (She laughs)

BRENDA: What exactly are you doing here?

TARA: I’m here for Lola Hall.

BRENDA: Well, she hasn’t arrived yet - and you can’t stay here!

TARA: I won’t be in the way.

BRENDA: You already are. Now if you don’t mind.. (She ushers TARA towards the door)

EDNA: (Goes to Tara) What’s your name, love?

TARA: Tara.

EDNA: I’m Edna. (Quietly to TARA) Now don’t you worry about them. Hang around the church for a while.. and whatever you do, keep filming. Alright?

TARA: Thanks Edna. (She exits) (D1)

MARGARET: Now, where were we? Ah yes, we need to rethink the layout.

BRENDA: It is perfectly suitable as it is.

MARGARET: It was suitable for jam and raffle tickets. Not a celebrity.

BRENDA: Lola Hall is not royalty.

MARGARET: No, but she is used to better than this.

EDNA: Aren’t we all.

MARGARET: We need a focal point. Somewhere she can stand and be seen.

BRENDA: We don’t want her too visible, just in case she wears one of her ‘fashion’ outfits.

EDNA: Especially if old man Furse comes, he’s only just had that pacemaker fitted!

(BRENDA ignores her)

BRENDA: Now of course I’ll take responsibility for greeting her.

MARGARET: I really think that should be me.

BRENDA: She’ll be used to dealing with people of a higher status.

EDNA: You’re chair of the charity committee, not head of the bloody BAFTAs! 

BRENDA: Well I’ve met people like her before.

MARGARET: Have you? When?

BRENDA: At events.

MARGARET: What sort of events?

BRENDA: Important ones.

EDNA: I’m not sure the OAP fish and chips supper counts.

(BRENDA stiffens)

MARGARET: Well I think she’ll appreciate someone loose and relaxed, like me.

EDNA: (She scoffs) You, loose and relaxed? Ha! You’re so stiff that even your knickers are starched. 

(MARGARET reacts)

EDNA (cont.): Come on you two, this doesn’t need to be a battle. Look how well you worked together at last year’s flower show.

MARGARET: (Conceding) I suppose you’re right, it was very well attended.

BRENDA: And we did have lots of entries.

MARGARET: (Swooning) Even the vicar displayed his wonderful plums.

EDNA: Yes and you seemed quite taken with them.

MARGARET: They were very juicy.

BRENDA: And did you see the size of his marrow?! Well, I’d never seen one so big!

EDNA: It’s a shame you weren’t so generous with Julia’s offerings.

BRENDA: Well.. her pumpkins were mediocre if you ask me.

MARGARET: She was very proud of them, she kept showing them to anyone who’d look.

EDNA: I’ve never seen Keith so interested in fruit and veg.

BRENDA: But you’re right Edna, we had a good turn out that day.

MARGARET: Which was fine until ‘the incident’. (To BRENDA) I said it was a mistake to let dogs in.

BRENDA: It was only a cockapoo.

EDNA: The size of it was more like an elephant’s!

(They all grimace, remembering the image of ‘the incident’)

MARGARET: (Sadly) I had to throw those shoes away in the end…

(Noise off - commotion)

BRENDA: What on earth is that? Come along Margaret, I expect it’s a problem with one of your areas (She exits) (D1)

MARGARET: (Calling after her as she follows)  Don’t you go touching my parts! (She exits) (D1)

(EDNA scribbles in her notebook once more)

EDNA: (Smiling to herself) Those two are the gift that keeps on giving. I don’t want to miss this! (She exits) (D1) 

(KEITH enters (D2) and starts tinkering with the PA. He has a small remote in his hand)

(SIMON enters with JULIA.(D1) He looks worried)

SIMON: I do not like the look of those clouds Julia. Just when I thought everything was coming together.

JULIA: Breathe Simon, they’re just clouds, there is no rain forecast today. You know how you get when you get worked up.

SIMON: I know, I know, I can already feel my tummy rumbling. 

JULIA: Exactly. And the last thing we need are any… accidents. (Aside) Especially in those trousers! So take a deep breath, count to five and relax. I’ll go and check with the ladies outside and make sure everything is ready for the opening. (Beat) And talking of openings… What time is Miss Pushup Bra arriving?

SIMON: (Checking his watch) Miss Hall will be arriving any minute now! And thank you my love, you always know how to settle me down.

JULIA: Just make sure it stays settled down when she arrives. (She points to his lower region)

SIMON: JULIA! 

(JULIA winks at him, giggles and exits (D1) SIMON walks over to Keith)

SIMON: Ah Keith, I trust everything is ready on your end. 

KEITH: Yes thank you Rev, that cream I got worked a treat.

SIMON: (Flustered) No! I didn’t.. I meant.. Oh good lord. (He notices that KEITH is holding a small remote) What’s that?

KEITH: This?

SIMON: Yes. That.

KEITH: This is the remote for the fanfare.

SIMON: The fanfare?

KEITH: For the special guest.

SIMON: But… I didn’t ask for a fanfare.

KEITH: I know. But I thought it would be a good idea, what with the good news ‘n all.

SIMON: Keith, this isn’t a royal visit.

KEITH: I know.

SIMON: There doesn’t need to be trumpets.

KEITH: There aren’t any trumpets.

SIMON: Then what is it?

KEITH: A sort of… celebratory noise.

SIMON: I’m not sure that’s appropriate.

KEITH: It’s very tasteful.

SIMON: What does it sound like?

KEITH: Here, listen… 

SFX (KEITH presses the button. A loud, overblown fanfare BLARES out)

SIMON: KEITH!

KEITH: That’s the short version.

SIMON: (Stunned) You said it was tasteful.

KEITH: You should’ve heard the original.

SIMON: There was an original?

KEITH: It had drums.

SIMON: Keith, Lola Hall is an actress, not a conquering hero.

KEITH: She’s famous.

SIMON: That doesn’t mean we announce her like the Second Coming. Oh this is exactly the sort of thing the Bishop would…

KEITH: Love?

SIMON: Question! Please tell me you won’t play that again.

KEITH: I was only going to play it once, right at the perfect moment… when it feels just right.

SIMON: Oh for crying out loud! (Taking a deep breath and looking upwards) Lord, please give me a sign that everything will be fine.

SFX/LT - (A pause followed by a rumble of thunder and lightning flash)

SIMON: (Shouting pathetically) I SAID FIIIINE! (He rushes out the door) (D1) 

SFX - (Another louder rumble of thunder)

KEITH: (To himself) What’s he rushing about for? Not his dodgy tum again is it?

(SID enters (D2), slightly damp)

SID: Mornin’. 

KEITH: Oh morning Sid.

SID: (Pointing to the PA system) Cor, that all looks expensive. 

KEITH: It is. Do you know, this lot here cost the church nearly eight hundred quid. 

SID: Blimey! And how much did it cost you? 

KEITH: Never mind that.. (Changing the subject) Anyway, what you doing here this early, fete isn’t until 11.

SID: Well, I wanted to know what this fete’s in aid of?

KEITH: It’s for the hole in the church roof. 

SID: Ah bugger. I think my sister might be to blame for that.

KEITH: Your sister?

SID: Yeah, she was a stripper.

KEITH: What, she took her clothes off?

SID: No, she went on the roof and took the lead.

KEITH: Bloody hell Sid. What about you, ever been in trouble?

SID: Only the once. I got really drunk at the pub Christmas party and the landlord told me to leave me car and take a taxi home…(Beat) Well, it turns out I was in no fit state to drive that either!

(ALFIE rushes in, (D1) soaked, hair plastered to his head)

ALFIE: KEITH!

KEITH: What?

ALFIE: Your stuff!

KEITH: What stuff?

ALFIE: Your electric stuff! It’s gettin’ absolutely drenched!

KEITH: What are you talking about? 

ALFIE: It’s bloody pourin’ down!

KEITH: Who’s fallen down?

ALFIE: I’m gonna brain you in a minute. 

KEITH: Eh?

ALFIE: LISTEN. TO. ME. CLOSELY. It’s bloody pissin’ down and your electrical gear is getting soaked!

KEITH: WHAT?! Sid! Why didn’t you tell me it was raining?

SID: (Shrugging his shoulders) I thought the thunder would've been a clue. 

KEITH: Oh bloody hell Alf, it’ll be ruined. Quick, come on you two - give me a hand with this stuff.

(They all rush out) (D1)

SFX: (The hall is momentarily empty. Rain and distant thunder continue outside)

(MARGARET enters (D1), struggling with a crate of bottles. BRENDA follows, carrying a large tray of cakes and biscuits. They are both damp)

BRENDA: Honestly, Margaret, we should have brought this in sooner. It’s practically monsoon conditions out there.

MARGARET: You said it was only a light drizzle!

BRENDA: Well.. it’s not drizzling now. I even saw a duck take shelter.

MARGARET: Don’t blame me - I didn’t order the weather, Brenda. Organisation was your job, remember?

(They cross to the tables. MARGARET drops the crate down with a thud)

BRENDA: Careful with that!

MARGARET: I am being careful. It’s wet, everything’s slipping.

BRENDA: You’re sloshing, Margaret. The Bishop will not tolerate sloshing!

MARGARET: Well you took so long with those sandwiches they’ve gone from finger food to bread pudding!

(BRENDA places the tray down carefully)

BRENDA: They’re perfectly fine. Now listen, these are gluten-free and they’re for Miss Hall.

MARGARET: She doesn’t need special dietary requirements.

BRENDA: She’s an actress, of course she does.

MARGARET: I think she’ll survive a biscuit, Brenda. This is a fete, not rehab! 

BRENDA: (Looking around the hall) We should make the hall look welcoming.

MARGARET: We will. Once people stop bringing the outside.. inside.

BRENDA: Simon will want it looking calm.

MARGARET: Simon wants it all dry, that’s what’s important right now.

BRENDA: Well I’ll go and get the bunting - try not to move anything while I’m gone.

MARGARET: I’m coming with you! I’m not letting Simon think you’re the only one trying to save the fete!

(They exit, still bickering) (D1)

(A beat. The hall is empty again)

(LOLA enters, (D2) slightly damp, umbrella in hand, sunglasses on, phone to her ear. She shakes off the umbrella and leans it against the wall)

LOLA: (Into phone) Yes, I’ve just arrived… but there isn’t a soul here (Beat) Yes, I’m inside. No, I’m not being dramatic. It’s literally empty.

(She wanders, taking in the hall)

LOLA (cont.): It’s very… charming. (Beat) Yes, bunting. Always bunting.

(Beat)

LOLA (cont.): Look, I know this matters.This is exactly the sort of thing we talked about. Community, rebuilding. Showing them I’m not that girl anymore.

(She sighs, pulls off her sunglasses)

LOLA (cont.): Honestly, after what happened with him… (Beat) Yes, I know it was messy. That’s why this has to work. One nice, wholesome appearance. No scandals. No headlines.

(She smiles faintly)

LOLA (cont.): Maybe I just need a good, honest man around me for a change. Someone… normal.

(She listens)

LOLA (cont.): No, not a farmer.

(Dramatically)

LOLA (cont.): Oh honestly it was ghastly, the Uber driver took the scenic route and the heating was on full blast. I’m absolutely parched.

(She spots the crate of bottles)

LOLA (cont.): Oh. Thank God. (Into the phone) Hang on a minute.

(She picks up a bottle, examines it)

LOLA (cont.): (To herself) Elderflower. Of course. It’s like an episode of Midsummer Murders. 

(She opens the bottle and takes a long sip)

LOLA (cont.): Oh. That’s… surprisingly good. (She takes another sip as the rain continues outside)

(SIMON enters (D1), shaking rain from his jacket. He spots LOLA)

SIMON: Oh! Miss Hall!

(LOLA jumps slightly, then gestures to show SIMON she’s on the phone)

LOLA: (Into the phone) Look I’ve got to go, someone’s here. Yes, I’ll give my best performance (Hanging up) Hello. You must be the vicar. (She kisses him on each cheek - showbiz style) Mwah! Mwah!

SIMON: (Slightly flustered) Oh, call me Simon please. I’m so terribly sorry… the weather’s thrown us all into disarray.

LOLA: Oh don’t worry. I have a lot of experience with damp men. (Indicating the hall) This is actually quite sweet.

SIMON: That’s very kind of you to say.

(He notices the bottle in her hand)

SIMON (cont.): Ah, you’ve found the refreshments.

LOLA: I had a dreadful journey and desperately needed a drink. I hope that’s alright.

SIMON: Of course! I expect one of our parishioners made it.

LOLA: (Having another sip) It’s got quite a kick.

SIMON: Oh. Has it?

LOLA: You know, this is exactly what I needed.

SIMON: Well, the least we can do is offer you a drink.

LOLA: (Giggling) No silly, I mean the fete. I’ve had some… turbulent times of late and my life can be quite hectic. But being here, somewhere calm and chaos free, is just what I need.

SIMON: Well, I’m glad we could help.

(A slight pause. LOLA looks at him more closely now. Julia enters (D1) unseen and hears the next conversation)

LOLA: You’re not at all what I expected you know.

SIMON: Am I not?

LOLA: No. You’re much cooler.

SIMON: (Blushing slightly) I assure you, this is not my natural state.

LOLA: It’s refreshing. Men usually try far too hard with me.

SIMON: (Flustered) Oh, well I’m not hard… I mean, I don’t try… too hard.

LOLA: (Pushing him playfully) Oh you are fun. I can see we are going to be great pals. 

SIMON: Oh yes, I’m sure we’ll be firm friends. 

LOLA: (Studying him) Do you know, you’re quite handsome for a vicar.

SIMON: (Blushing again) Oh golly, that’s very kind of you to say.

LOLA: You look pretty strong and fit too. I bet you work out don’t you?

SIMON: Well, I do cycle around the village quite regularly… and I do like a game of tennis on a Saturday.

LOLA: I bet you’re a very skilled player.

SIMON: The ladies at the club do praise my foreplay.. HAND… forehand.

LOLA: (Giggling) Tell me Simon are you married?

(Before he can answer JULIA sweeps into view)

JULIA: Yes he is! Simon, aren’t you going to introduce me to your ‘firm friend’?

SIMON: Yes! I mean… No, well… Julia, this is Miss Lola Hall, who has very kindly agreed to… (Beat) err…be my friend… I mean, open the fete. (He takes a deep breath) And this is Julia my… umm.. my wife. 

JULIA: Thank you for remembering Simon. 

LOLA: Very nice to meet you Julia. I was just saying how welcoming your husband is.

JULIA: Yes, I noticed.

LOLA: You’re very lucky. He’s got a calming presence.

JULIA: Yes. It’s a gift. And what ‘presence’ do you bring?

SIMON: (Interjecting) Now now Julia, we mustn’t bombard Lola..err  Miss Hall… She has only just arrived.

(A brief, polite smile exchange. There is slight tension)

LOLA: I hope I haven’t come at a bad moment.

SIMON: Oh good heavens no. The rain storm has just caught us by surprise you see, but we’re still all set and raring to go.

LOLA: Oh good. I wonder, Simon, is there somewhere quiet I could just… get myself together before we begin?

SIMON: Of course! Yes! Absolutely. You must prepare.

JULIA: Prepare?

LOLA: Actors’ nerves and all that. I’d like a moment to centre myself.

(JULIA rolls her eyes)

SIMON: Perfectly sensible.

(LOLA lifts the bottle slightly)

LOLA: Do you mind if I take this with me?

SIMON: Oh, no, not at all.

LOLA: Thank you.

SIMON: There’s a small room just off the hall. Quiet. Private.

LOLA: Perfect. (She smiles warmly at SIMON) Wish me luck. (She exits, bottle in hand) (D3)

SIMON: (Calling after her) Break a leg.

JULIA: (Aside) Or your neck!

(A beat. SIMON exhales)

SIMON: Well. That went rather well.

JULIA: Did it?

SIMON: She seemed relaxed.

JULIA: She seemed interested.

SIMON: Julia!

JULIA: She complimented your looks!

SIMON: She complimented the parish.

JULIA: She asked if you were married.

SIMON: Only out of politeness.

JULIA: Simon, I know she’s famous, but…

SIMON: This matters. You know it does. If today goes well, the Bishop will have to take notice.

JULIA: And if it doesn’t?

SIMON: Then…  I don’t know.

(Julia softens, but doesn’t fully back down)

JULIA: Just remember who washes your underpants and cooks your dinners.

SIMON: Always.

(They share a look)

SIMON (cont.): I’d better check on things outside. Make sure everything’s… holding together. (He exits) (D1)

JULIA: Good luck with that.

SFX: (Thunder rumbles loudly outside)

(TARA cautiously reappears (D2), phone in hand)

TARA (On-camera): Okay guys… I’m back inside. Things are getting interesting.

(She spots JULIA and freezes. Lowers the phone slightly)

TARA (Off-camera): Oh! Sorry… I’m just..

JULIA: Looking for Lola Hall.

TARA (Off-camera):  How did you know?

JULIA: (Gesturing to the t-shirt) Call it intuition. 

TARA (Off-camera):  Oh, haha yes. I suppose I do have her face on my chest.

JULIA: Well it makes a nice change, usually it’s her chest in your face.

TARA (Off-camera): (Getting excited) Oh my gosh, have you met her?

JULIA: Unfortunately.

TARA (Off-camera): She’s incredible, isn’t she?

JULIA: Well, that’s one word for it.

TARA (Off-camera): I’ve followed her for years. The films, the interviews, the fashion. She’s just so confident. So fearless.

JULIA: So bra-less more like.

TARA (Off-camera): I run a Youtube channel about her. ‘Lola’s Lovelies’.

JULIA: Do you indeed? Well we’ve already seen quite enough of her lovelies for one day.

TARA (Off-camera): (Delighted, thinking she’s agreeing) I know! She’s so open with her fans.

JULIA: Yes… she leaves very little to the imagination. 

TARA (Off-camera): Is she here now?

JULIA: She’s… taking a moment to.. ‘centre herself’. 

TARA (Off-camera): (In awe) Oh my gosh. What a professional.

JULIA: Perhaps you should wait outside until the fete opens, you wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise would you.

TARA (Off-camera): You’re right. I must inform my lovelies too. Eeeeeee

(She lifts the phone again) 

TARA (On-camera): O. M. G. guys - you are not ready for this!  (She exits excitedly) (D2)

JULIA: (Watching her go and shaking her head) Talking to yourself used to mean you were mad….  (Realising she’s doing the very same) Oh god help me!

(In bursts SIMON, followed by MARGARET, BRENDA, EDNA, KEITH and ALFIE, (D1) soaked, arms full of bunting, trays, boxes etc)

KEITH: It’s coming down sideways!

BRENDA: The gazebo’s surrendered!

EDNA: I lost a scone to the wind!

SIMON: Everyone, everyone…  Good news! Lola Hall has arrived.

(A collective reaction)

BRENDA: She has?!

MARGARET: Already?!

BRENDA: Oh I knew I should’ve worn lipstick.

KEITH: Where is she?

SIMON: She’s just… preparing herself… in my office.

MARGARET: (Noticing a space in the crate of drinks) Excuse me! Why is there a bottle missing? Brenda, what have you done with it?

BRENDA: Don’t you accuse me. I have been outside with you this whole time, as you well know.

MARGARET:  Well I wouldn’t be surprised if you sent one of your minions in here to mess with my refreshments. 

SIMON: Ladies, ladies…please. I assure you that no one has been messing with your tipples. 

KEITH: I certainly haven’t! I can’t even unfasten a bra!

SIMON: TIPPLES Keith! (Beat) Miss Hall had a somewhat eventful journey here and was in desperate need of wetting her whistle.

JULIA: (Aside) As long as it wasn’t your whistle.

SIMON: So I of course said she could take a bottle from the crate.

(KEITH gives a nervous glance to ALFIE who is blissfully unaware)

MARGARET: I hope she’s paid you, those are £2 a bottle! 

SIMON: Miss Poole, surely you don’t begrudge our star guest. She was very complimentary about it. In fact, she said it had a right kick!

KEITH: (Spluttering) Err Rev, how much did she drink?

SIMON: Well, she was certainly enjoying it Mr Dobson, she took the bottle with her. Why do you ask, did you make the drink in question?

KEITH: No.. I didn’t… but Alfie did…

ALFIE: (To KEITH) What?! I told you to hide ‘em, not give ‘em away!

SIMON: Alfred, I am pleased to hear you’ve moved towards making cordial, rather than that alcoholic concoction you used to make. 

ALFIE: Yeah, about that…

SIMON: (Continuing) It was downright dangerous if you ask me. Thank heavens none of it ever fell into the wrong hands…

ALFIE: Vicar…

SIMON: (Laughing to himself) Can you imagine if our special guest had got a hold of it… Oh lord, it doesn’t bear thinking about.. 

KEITH: Vicar…

SIMON: Well it would be a scandal. 

ALFIE: Vicar…

SIMON: We’d be in all the papers. (Shudders) 

KEITH: VICAR!!

SIMON: Not to mention what the bishop would say… hahahaha.. (As he laughs he catches sight of ALFIE and KEITH looking very guilty) hahahahah… Oh no!

ALFIE: Now vicar, technically it weren’t my fault. I gave them bottles to Keith to hide away, they weren’t made for the fete.

KEITH: Don’t blame me. I was mugged by her! (Points at MARGARET)

MARGARET: Me?! You said they were for the fete, how was I to know they were filled with Alfred’s poison.

ALFIE: Oi! That’s good stuff that is. A nip of that and it’ll make you puff out your chest.

JULIA: (Aside) I think Lola’s chest is puffed enough already. 

BRENDA: Well of course this would all happen before I arrived. This is exactly the kind of slapdash approach I’d expect from Margaret.

SIMON: (Trying to stay calm) Before we panic, are we sure she has one of Alfred’s bottles and not one of the others? Alfred, how many did you bring?

ALFIE: Just the two vicar.

SIMON: And I’m guessing they were labelled?

ALFIE: Well, they said ‘Elderflower’ on ‘em…

SIMON: Please check the crate and see if they are both still there.

(ALFIE goes to the crate and starts looking at each bottle. Everyone else watches, holding their breath)

ALFIE: I have some good news and some bad news vicar.

SIMON: Oh lord! Ok, give me the bad news…

ALFIE: Well all the bottles look the same, I can’t tell which was mine and which wasn’t. 

SIMON: (Gulping) And the good news?

ALFIE: Well if she does have one of mine, at least she says it tastes nice! That makes a change!

(There is a moment of pandemonium where SIMON’S knees buckle and he is helped to a chair by JULIA and KEITH. MARGARET and BRENDA start arguing with each other. ALFIE continues looking at the bottles, holding them up to the light etc. EDNA watches on with glee, making notes in her book)

(JULIA steps into the middle, claps/whistles to get everyone’s attention)

JULIA: QUIET!

(The hubbub dies down. JULIA looks around at them. She takes a breath)

JULIA (cont.): Right. Before anyone says another word, I want you all to remember something.

(Beat)

JULIA (cont.): Today is not about bottles. It’s not about bunting. It’s not about who arrived at eight o’clock sharp and who arrived whenever they felt like it.

(A pointed glance at MARGARET and BRENDA. They both look away, guilty)

JULIA (cont.): Today is about Simon.

(SIMON looks up, startled)

JULIA (cont.): Since the day he arrived, this man has bent over backwards for this village. 

EDNA: (Aside) And forwards, if the tennis club rumours are to be believed.

JULIA: Edna!

EDNA: Sorry.

JULIA: He has visited you, comforted you, helped you… and listened to you all moan about the church roof! Margaret, when your sister was in hospital, who sat with you for two hours in A&E even though he had a funeral the next morning?

MARGARET: (Quiet) Simon.

JULIA: Brenda, when no one would sponsor your charity walk because they thought it was “a bit much”, who walked the first 5 miles with you in full shirt and collar, and still turned up to lead the service after?

BRENDA: (Softening) Simon did.

JULIA: Keith, when you were convinced you’d “finally done your back in for good” and you wouldn’t stop ringing the vicarage at midnight, who came round and sat on the stairs with you until you stopped imagining you were dying?

KEITH: (Defensive) It really hurt!

JULIA: It was wind.

KEITH: It felt fatal.

EDNA: It probably was when you let it go!

JULIA: Alfie, when you got yourself banned from the pub for arguing with the quiz machine, who got you back in by convincing everyone you were “just passionate”?

ALFIE: I still say that machine was wrong.

JULIA: And Simon still defended you. (Beat) And Edna, when you were trying to make contact with your estranged sister and her family, who was it that searched the parish records for any leads and then helped you write a letter to her?

EDNA: …Simon.

JULIA: Exactly, it’s always Simon. So whatever happens today, whether it rains, whether the gazebo collapses, whether the bunting falls down and strangles someone…we are not going to fall apart over a bottle of elderflower.

(She turns to the group)

JULIA (cont.): And anyway, we don’t even know if Lola’s taken the wrong one.

KEITH: But she said it had a kick…

JULIA: Simon says that about my pumpkin soup! It means nothing. We will remain calm until she comes back out. (Beat) And when she does, we will deal with whatever state she’s in like grown adults who live in a parish and not a pre-school!

MARGARET: Well… yes.

BRENDA: Agreed.

JULIA: Right. Now… let’s get this fete up and running for Simon. For the parish. And for the love of God… for the Bishop.

(The group rallies. There’s a sudden swell of optimism)

MARGARET: Yes!

BRENDA: Absolutely.

KEITH: We can do this.

ALFIE: Course we can.

EDNA: I do love a crisis. (Scribbling)

(They clap and cheer - SIMON is overwhelmed)

SIMON: Oh… Thank you.This really does mean the world…

(The side door bursts open (D3). LOLA enters, visibly drunk now, hair looser, clothes looser, bottle in hand, grinning wildly. She joins in the clapping immediately)

LOLA: Oh! Lovely! What are we clapping for? Have I won an award?!

(She staggers forward, then notices SIMON)

SIMON: Miss Hall?

LOLA: Siiimeyyy!

(She collapses onto SIMON’S lap)

LOLA (cont.): You handsome, holy man.

SIMON: (Feebly) Help!

(SIMON goes rigid. JULIA’s smile freezes. At that exact moment, the THE BISHOP enters from the opposite doorway (D2), drying his glasses on his robes)

(They all turn to stare at him in shock)

BISHOP: Ah good morning. (Beat) Not late am I? 

SFX: (KEITH presses the button on his remote the fanfare goes off)

BLACKOUT.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO - SCENE ONE

The church hall. 5 minutes later.

AT RISE: (The hall is now empty of people and items, except JULIA who stands in the centre of the stage, arms crossed. SIMON is at the doorway) (D1)

SIMON: (Calling out) I’ll be right there Sir. Miss Wilkes and Miss Poole will look after you. Ladies, why don’t you show him our…um…manure pile…? 

(Simon quickly rushes across stage to the other doorway) (D3)

JULIA: Manure pile?

SIMON: (Panicked) It’s the first thing I could think of.

JULIA: Well, I suppose you do have something in common with it…

SIMON: (Half listening) Pardon?

JULIA: (Aside) You’re both full of it.

SIMON: (Calling out the door) Keith?! Have you hidden her?

(KEITH pops back in the door) (D3)

KEITH: Well, not exactly Rev.

SIMON: What do you mean ‘not exactly’? Have you hidden her or not?

KEITH: Err…not.

SIMON: (Panicking) Why not?! I asked you to keep her out of the way while I sorted the Bishop. 

KEITH: I couldn’t hide her.. cause she’s wandered off. So problem solved hey!

SIMON: (In disbelief) Wandered off? WANDERED OFF! I’m at the most pivotal moment of my career, and you’ve let a drunken film star… wander off?!! 

KEITH: (Defensive) Well it’s not really my fault. Alf distracted me ‘cause he had to leave. You see, he got a phone call about all his young cows.

SIMON: Bullocks?

KEITH: No, it’s true! (Beat) His farmhand said they’ve gone missing. All of them! The whole bloody pack.

JULIA: (Correcting) Herd!

KEITH: Yeah, luckily he was talking in my good ear. 

SIMON: Oh for the love of… (Taking a breath) Mr Dobson, will you please go back out there and search for Miss Hall. She is here as my guest, she is under my care. She must be found, taken care of, and most importantly (voice wobbling) KEPT AWAY FROM THE BISHOP!

KEITH: Ok ok, I’m on it Rev. (He exits) (D3)

(Simon closes the door, composes himself and walks over to JULIA)

SIMON: Well that was too close for comfort. But I don’t think the Bishop noticed, did he my love?

JULIA: Don’t you “my love” me.

SIMON: Julia?

JULIA: Do you expect me to forget that you just had a half-naked actress on your lap?

SIMON: I didn’t invite her to sit there!

JULIA: You didn’t exactly throw her off either.

SIMON: (Innocently) I was in a hard spot.

JULIA: And so was she by the looks of things.

SIMON: It was only for a few seconds.

JULIA: Story of my life…

SIMON: Julia, darling, I’m sorry. But there was nothing I could do. You know I would never look at another woman, you’re my everything.

JULIA: (Softening) Oh I know Simon. It’s just… her. For some reason she gets under my skin. 

SIMON: Well she’s run off now, so you may not see her again. I do hate it when you’re cross with me, it really gives me the willies.

JULIA: Well as long as you aren’t giving them to her, we’ll be fine… (She smiles and gives SIMON a wink)

SIMON: Oh you are a tease. Whatever did a woman like you see in a man like me?

JULIA: This is no time for ego scratching Simon. What are you going to do now, didn’t you tell the Bishop he would be meeting Lola?

SIMON: I did, but I’ll have to tell him something came up. I can’t possibly let him meet her now. 

JULIA: He’ll be disappointed…

SIMON: Oh I know, but what can I do? We have to keep her away from him. 

JULIA: Well if you’re sure?

SIMON: Not really. But I am more than certain that the Bishop meeting Miss Hall in her current state is worse than not meeting her at all! Anyway, we might be lucky, perhaps he’s forgotten all about her…

(The Bishop walks in (D1) with BRENDA and Margaret)

BISHOP: There you are Reverend Carter! I’ve had a good look at your piles.

SIMON: (Spluttering) I beg your pardon Sir? 

BRENDA: We took the Lord Bishop to the gardens as instructed, Reverend. 

SIMON: Oh yes… the manure…

MARGARET: Of course, I explained how I am chairwoman of the gardening and flower arranging club.

BISHOP: Yes, I must say Ms Poole - you certainly do have a wonderful bush. 

(SIMON reacts)

BRENDA: That old privet? Pfft..Personally I would have laid a Hawthorn. Lovely blossoms in the spring… 

(The two ladies share a distasteful look)

BISHOP: Well, if you will excuse us ladies, I’d like to have a word with Reverend Carter. 

MARGARET: Certainly my Lord. Now that the sun has made an appearance, I shall resume my duties and finish setting up the stalls.

BRENDA: Under my supervision of course Bishop Castle. I am head of the charity committee after all. 

(They both do over the top curtsies, each trying to out do the other - then exit) (D1)

SIMON: Welcome… again… my Lord. Have you met my wife Julia?

JULIA: Hello sir. 

BISHOP: Good morning. (To SIMON) Now, Reverend Carter… I must say that I was impressed.

SIMON: Were you? I mean, it is a lovely garden and… 

BISHOP: No, no, not the garden. I was impressed that you persuaded Lola Hall to attend a fete in…(checks a small card)…Blast, is that an ‘F’? 

SIMON: (Looking at the card) It’s a ‘B’ my Lord.

BISHOP: Ah yes, of course. (Reading the card) Little Buckton. I got caught in that awful rain earlier and the ink has smudged.

JULIA: What are the little cards for sir?

BISHOP: The old memory isn’t what it used to be, so I use these little cheat sheets now. Of course, the better parishes in my diocese are no problem, but I do so struggle with these smaller, less impressive villages.

SIMON: Oh, well… Thank you, my lord.

BISHOP: But that’s why I was so impressed. How on earth did you manage to get a celebrity to come… here?

SIMON: Well, about that my lord…

BISHOP: I haven’t seen much of her work of course… And I don’t do with all that tabloid debauchery - but I understand she is strictly on the straight and narrow now. 

SIMON: Well, about that my lord…

BISHOP: Which is exactly the sort of message we want to promote. 

SIMON: Well, about that my lord… 

BISHOP: Clean, honest living. That’s the ticket. 

SIMON: Well, about that my lord…

BISHOP: So when can I meet her? Has she arrived yet? 

SIMON: Err…

BISHOP: This could be the making of you, you know. I have had my doubts about whether you have the right constitution for the job, but this shows initiative. (Beat) I do like initiative. 

SIMON: Precisely my lord. And leading by your fine example I made some calls, called in some favours and was delighted that Miss Hall accepted my invitation. 

BISHOP: So where is she then? I’d like to have a chat with her before the fete opens, I am due in Shepton Blanch at eleven.

SIMON: She’s just…err… in my office at the moment my Lord. 

BISHOP: Excellent, we can chat in there (Heads towards door)  

SIMON: NO! I mean… we can’t disturb her in there, she’s getting ready. Lady business, you know. 

BISHOP: I see. Well perhaps Mrs Carter can go and check if she’s ready.

(SIMON looks at JULIA in a panic)

JULIA: Err…yes, of course Sir. Simon, why don’t you take Bishop Castle outside and show him…err…  the hole in the roof. That’s what this fete is in aid of after all. 

BISHOP: Good idea! Let’s see what state you’ve got my church in. Come along Reverend. (He strides out) (D2)

SIMON: What did you say that for?

JULIA: Sorry, I just needed him out of here.

SIMON: What are you going to do about Lola, you heard him, he wants to talk to her!

JULIA: I have a plan. It’s a bit ‘out there’, but it’s the only plan I have.

SIMON: What sort of plan…

(BISHOP shouts from off)

BISHOP: (Off) COME ALONG REVEREND.

(Simon hurriedly exits) (D2)

JULIA: (Talking to herself) That old codger doesn’t know his cassock from his collar…this just might work… (She exits) (D3)

(LOLA appears from the opposite doorway. (D1) She stumbles across the stage and finds the crate of drinks. She starts rummaging through the bottles. She takes one, opens it, tries it, spits it out and replaces it. She tries another one and repeats the process) 

(ALFIE enters. (D2) He clocks LOLA mid-swig)

ALFIE: Oh… hello there.

LOLA: (All dialogue is slurred from now on) Hello. (Studies him) Are you… real?

ALFIE: Course I’m real.

LOLA: Good. Because I’ve just had a conversation with a woman who was all different colours. Turns out I was talking to the stained glass window. (She laughs manically)

ALFIE: Err, are you ok Miss?

LOLA: Well now that you ask, I did hurt myself when I stumbled and fell back against the window. 

ALFIE: That sounds like a pane in the arse! (Clocking the bottle) Hey where’d you get that?

LOLA: From the little wooden box of dreams. (Beat) It’s the only one with any… oomph.

ALFIE: That’ll be mine then.

LOLA: You made this?

ALFIE: Yep.

LOLA: Oh I knew it. It has a very… masculine finish.

ALFIE: It stripped the paint off me pig sty.

(She looks at him properly for the first time)

LOLA: And what do you do, when you’re not stripping?

ALFIE: I’m a farmer.

LOLA: A farmer hey? (She takes another sip, thinking) I told my agent I wanted a ‘real’ man to go out with, he suggested a farmer.. Maybe he was on to something..

ALFIE: (Taken aback) I ain’t going out with you.

LOLA: Oh you say that now.

ALFIE: No, I mean it. I’ve got lambing next week.

LOLA: That’s adorable.

ALFIE: It ain’t. It’s mostly fluids and wool.

LOLA: You’re very grounded, aren’t you?

ALFIE: I did fall in slurry this morning.

LOLA: See? Earthy. (She moves closer) I’m trying to make better choices. With good, honest men. Strong hands. Outdoor types.

ALFIE: These hands delivered a calf at half four this morning. I had my arm right up ‘er…

LOLA: (Giggling) Oh stop. You’re seducing me.

ALFIE: No I aint. I only came back to look for that bottle.

LOLA: You’re shy. I like that. Unless it's ‘cause you’re married to your tractor? (She laughs)

ALFIE: (He shudders) Oh no, I don’t touch ‘em anymore. Not since the accident, awful it was.

LOLA: You’re pulling my leg aren’t you. I bet you’re full of hot air. (She pats his cheek)

ALFIE: I’m just an ex-tractor fan that’s all. (Beat) Anyway, I need to get going, I’ve got to move some sheep.

LOLA: Oh have you? (Ewe)

ALFIE: Yeah, and rams as well. I’ve got a field full of ‘em.

LOLA: Do you do all that on your own?

ALFIE: Mostly, I just can’t get good help. I’ve got 67 sheep in my field. I asked the farm hand to round ‘em up for me and he said “Alright, we’ll call it 70”.

LOLA: Oh you are funny.

(She beams at him. He panics, tries to edge toward the bottle)

ALFIE: Look, miss, you’re very…famous… but that there’s not for casual drinking.

LOLA: Everything in my life has been for casual drinking.

ALFIE: I’m just a bit worried what’ll happen if you drink any more of it.

LOLA: (Holding the bottle seductively) Why don’t you come over here and find out?

ALFIE: (In a panic) Ah bugger that, I’m not getting involved. (He exits at a run) (D2)

LOLA: (Giggling to herself) That was fun.. A good prospect. Now, where’s that hunk of a vicar… (She exits) (D1)

(A beat)

(Edna enters (D2) with her notebook. She hears footsteps so hides and watches)

(JULIA enters briskly (D3) , turns back toward the offstage area)

JULIA: Keith, stop being ridiculous and come in.

KEITH (O.S.): I can’t.

JULIA: You can and you will. This is for Simon.

KEITH (O.S.): It’s too tight.

JULIA: It’s supposed to be - it’s fitted.

KEITH (O.S.): There’s no sleeves.

JULIA: That’s because it’s a blouse.

KEITH (O.S.): Well where do my arms go?

JULIA: In the holes where your neck isn’t!

(She forces a bright smile as if someone might enter at any moment, then drops it and hisses back offstage)

JULIA (low): If you don’t come in here this instant I will insist on doing the wax too!

KEITH (O.S.): …you wouldn’t.

JULIA: Try me.

(A pause. Keith appears. (D3) He is wearing a wig that matches LOLA’s hair colour, he is dressed in an ill-fitting lost property outfit - floaty blouse, long skirt hitched up awkwardly (maybe tucked in his underwear), shoes that don’t fit, maybe a padded bra for comical affect)

JULIA (cont.): Keith, you look.. (trying to contain herself) totally convincing.

KEITH: I look like me mother. (He totters along in the shoes) These shoes are a death trap!

JULIA: Just stand still.

KEITH: I can’t stand still, me centre of gravity’s moved.

JULIA: Now listen carefully. You are Lola.

KEITH: The film star?

JULIA: Yes!

KEITH: The last time I saw a film star dressed like this she was in Psycho.

JULIA: Hitchcock’s?

KEITH: I’ll try not to, but this skirt is riding up. (He adjusts himself)

JULIA: KEITH!

KEITH: Anyway, I don’t know any of Lola Hall’s films.

JULIA: You don’t need to. You just need to smile and say very little.

KEITH: I can do that… I suppose. (He beams gormlessly)

JULIA: Not like that. You’re a sophisticated woman.

KEITH: (Attempting it) Ooooh.

JULIA: Less ghost, more Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.

KEITH: Hang on, I don’t have to do that with him as well do I?

JULIA: Of course not you bloody idiot.

KEITH: What if the Bishop talks to me?

JULIA: Nod. Gracefully.

KEITH: How do I nod gracefully?

JULIA: With your neck, not your whole body.

(He nods with his entire torso)

JULIA: We’ll work on it.

(She steps back, assessing him.)

JULIA (cont.): Right. From a distance… in low lighting… to a man of his age…(Beat) This might actually work.

(KEITH violently sneezes and the wig comes off)

JULIA (cont.): On second thoughts.. (She rolls her eyes) Now, go and hide in Simon's office. Do NOT let anyone see you. I will go and give him a heads up so that he knows to expect.. this. Go on! Shoo! 

(KEITH exits to the office) (D3)

JULIA (cont.): If this works, it’ll be a bloody miracle! (She exits) (D1)

(Edna steps out of her hiding spot. She takes out her mobile and dials)

EDNA: (Into the phone) Hi, it’s me. Can you talk? How’s it going so far? Oh wonderful. Yes, just like I thought, I knew Julia wouldn’t let me down. Ok, keep up the good work. Bye darling. (She hangs up the phone and exits) (D1)

(The office door opens a crack. (D3) KEITH slips out, still in full “LOLA” attire but now wearing his own boots. He is carrying a pair of tights. He checks the hall is empty)

KEITH: (Calling quietly) Mrs Rev? You still there? Was I meant to wear these ‘n all? (He sees the room is empty. He holds up the tights, playing with the material) Last time I saw tights like this, they were on the head of the bloke robbing the bookies! (He drops them) Oh bloody things! 

(He bends awkwardly to pick up the tights as TARA creeps in unseen (D2), she props her phone up, on the table to film, breathless with excitement)

TARA (On-camera): Guys - guys - this is it. I’ve found her. I’ve actually found her. I’m going to get our very first meeting all on camera! Eeeee!

(She walks up to KEITH who is facing away from her, still playing with the tights)

TARA (Off-camera): (Gabbling with excitement) Excuse me, Lola, I’m such a big fan and I’ve been waiting all day for you and I love everything you do and I really, really just wanted to meet you, and I know you’re probably super busy and you have important things you need to do but.. I wondered if you’d sign my shirt? (Holding out a pen)

(KEITH turns around mid-fumble with the tights)

KEITH: Eh?

(They lock eyes)

TARA: AAAAAAAHHH!!

(She screams, spins, and runs straight back out (D1) dropping the pen as she goes)

(KEITH looks after her, baffled)

KEITH: You’ve dropped your pen, miss…

(He bends awkwardly to pick it up - presenting his backside again just as ALFIE enters (D2), hair smoothed under his cap, jacket on, trying to look sophisticated. He sees KEITH whose behind is facing him)

ALFIE: Corr! (Composing himself) Err.. Miss… Lola?

(KEITH freezes)

ALFIE (cont.): (Stepping forward) I’ve been thinking about what you said.

(KEITH straightens but keeps his face hidden)

KEITH: (High-pitched voice, ghost-like) Oooooh.

ALFIE: Yeah… I know I ran off… but… (He takes off his cap, suddenly shy) …a farmer can have feelings an’ all.

(KEITH shakes his head vigorously with his whole torso)

ALFIE (cont.): I even washed me hands. (He holds them out proudly. They are still filthy)

KEITH: (High-pitched voice) Oh lovely.

ALFIE: You don’t have to talk posh for me. I like you natural.

(KEITH panics and moves further away)

ALFIE (cont.): You’re not like other women.. there’s something different about you… 

KEITH: (High-pitched voice) No there isn’t! 

ALFIE: I’m not frightened of you bein’ famous. We could make it work. You could show me the life of an actress..  and I could show you me bulls.

(KEITH gasps and starts coughing/choking)

ALFIE (cont.): Steady on love. 

(He rubs KEITH’S back which makes him cough and splutter even more) 

ALFIE (cont.): Oh Christ, you’re choking.  

(ALFIE grabs KEITH round the middle to start doing the heimlich maneuver. KEITH tries to push him off)

ALFIE (cont.): Blimey you’re strong. 

(ALFIE suddenly notices KEITH’S work boots under the skirt)

ALFIE (cont.): (Confused, lifting the skirt slightly) ‘ Ere Lola…you weren’t wearing them before..

(MARGARET and BRENDA burst in mid-argument, (D1) EDNA behind them scribbling)

MARGARET: I am telling you, the raffle works better with three coloured tickets, not one..

(They freeze spotting ALFIE holding KEITH from behind)

[Together - BRENDA: …Oh my! ]

[Together - MARGARET: Oh my! ]

EDNA: (Delighted, writing) Ooh! Forbidden love at the fete.

ALFIE: (Quickly releasing Keith) It ain’t what it looks like!

(KEITH hides his face and gives a frantic “elegant” wave)

MARGARET: This is a church function!

BRENDA: Think of the Bishop!

(They swoop in, dragging ALFIE away from KEITH)

ALFIE: I only came back to say I’d changed me mind!

MARGARET: You should be ashamed!

BRENDA: Taking advantage of a vulnerable celebrity!

(KEITH seizes the moment and runs for the office) (D3)

MARGARET: Miss Hall! Come back!

BRENDA: Look what you’ve done! She’s distraught!

ALFIE: I was just trying to help, she couldn’t breathe.

BRENDA: I’m not surprised, the poor girl. Fresh from recovery and preyed upon by a man who smells of.. of.. 

MARGARET: Fertiliser? 

EDNA: It looked like he was trying to.. 

ALFIE: (Indignant) Hey! I definitely did not do that! 

(They frog-march ALFIE toward the exit) (D1)

MARGARET: You are to keep away from Miss Hall.

BRENDA: And from the refreshments.

ALFIE: I only wanted a word!

MARGARET: You’ve said quite enough.

(They haul him out) (D1)

EDNA: (Snapping her notebook shut) Blimey, I thought this would take me all day, but I’ve nearly finished! Lovely jubbly.

(The BISHOP enters) (D2)

BISHOP: Oh good morning. Have you seen the vicar? He was with me outside and now he’s disappeared. I can’t find him anywhere.

EDNA: Not recently my lord. Would you like me to find him for you?

BISHOP: Oh thank you, I am rather short of time. (Checks his watch)

EDNA: No problem Sir, I shan’t be long. (She exits) (D2)

BISHOP: (Taking a chair and placing it in the centre) I suppose I should go over my speech while I wait. These blasted cards got soaked earlier.

(He sits and takes out the damp cue cards from before. Behind, EDNA re-enters unseen. (D2) She laughs to herself and scribbles in her notebook through the whole next passage)

BISHOP (cont.): (Reading from the cards) “Good morning everyone, and thank you for welcoming me back to Little Fu..(He stops himself) BUckton. I am delighted to be here today, to open your annual village fart. (Checks card) err fete” (Beat) “To open your village fete.”(He continues reading his cards)

“It’s wonderful to see so many of you here today, and I’m always pleased to see so many familiar feces” … err faces.

(He composes himself, presses on with confidence)

BISHOP (cont.): “Events like this are vital for the life of the parish… bringing people together in the spirit of chastity” (He pauses. Frowns at the card) “charity.” Yes. Charity.

(He adjusts his glasses and presses on)

BISHOP (cont.): “And what a marvellous effort it is. Stalls, games, refreshments… all organised under the watchful eye of the vulgar, Reverend Carter. (Beat) I’m sure you will all agree that he is a true pillock of the community, although unlike myself, he is a man of few worms”.

(He continues, gaining momentum)

BISHOP (cont.): “But what a treat he has in store for you all today, as  he has secured the gift of celibacy”

(He stops. Blinks)

BISHOP (cont.): “…celebrity.”

(He commits, proudly)

BISHOP (cont.): “Who I understand has had a tough time of late. (Pause) Constantly finding yourself in the papers, and being buggered by the pepperami, can not be easy for anyone.”

(He nods sympathetically)

BISHOP (cont.): “But we welcome her here with open arms, as she seeks to play a tart in our community.”

(He smiles, pleased with the sentiment. He moves on, flicking to the next card)

BISHOP (cont.): “Now, before I hand over to our special guest, please join us in singing the wonderful hymns - ‘I Vow To Flee My Country’ and ‘Make Me a Flannel of Your Piss’, led of course by the resident queermaster.” 

(He nods, satisfied. EDNA quickly dashes out) (D1)

BISHOP (cont.): Yes. That will do very nicely.

(A beat. SID wanders in) (D2)

SID: Mornin’.

BISHOP: Oh good morning.

SID: You open now?

BISHOP: I beg your pardon?

SID: The vicar’s wife told me to come back at eleven, but me watch is knackered.

BISHOP: Oh I see. Can’t you get it repaired?

SID: Well I would, but the shop is open nine til five and me watch is stuck on half eight. (Eyeing the Bishop’s garbs) You come for the fancy dress competition then?

BISHOP: I beg your pardon! I am the Right Reverend Bishop Castle.

SID: And I’m Sid. (Sticks out a hand). Bishop eh? What does that entail then? 

BISHOP: Well, I deal in the Holy Spirit. 

SID: Oh you mean like ghosts who’ve been shot?

BISHOP: Excuse me?

SID: Anyway, I was lookin’ for the vicar. I need some relationship advice.

BISHOP: Oh, well, perhaps I can help?

SID: Well it’s me new girlfriend see, she’s in a mood with me ‘cause I never buy her flowers. (Beat) But if I’m honest, I didn’t know she sold ‘em. 

(The BISHOP stands dumbfounded)

SID (cont.): Ah well, what can you do hey. Thanks for the help Bishop. (He exits) (D1)

(The BISHOP watches him leave, baffled. SIMON enters) (D2)

BISHOP: Ah, there you are at last. I must stress again, Reverend Carter, I am a very busy man. I have Shepton Blanch at eleven, a confirmation in Lower Wibbering at twelve, followed by lunch with the Archdeacon.

SIMON: Yes, my Lord. Absolutely, my Lord. Time is of the essence, my Lord.

BISHOP: Then where is Miss Hall?

SIMON: She is… preparing.

BISHOP: She has been preparing since half past nine.

SIMON: It’s a very serious ribbon-cutting moment for her, she’s probably sharpening her scissors (He laughs)

BISHOP: (Not impressed) Reverend, I did not come here to admire bunting and compost. I came to meet the young woman whose presence you assured me demonstrated initiative.

SIMON: And you shall, my Lord. In just one tiny moment.

BISHOP: You said that five tiny moments ago.

(MARGARET and BRENDA appear in the doorway) (D1)

MARGARET: Sorry to interrupt my Lord, but there’s water coming through the vestry ceiling!

BISHOP: Water?

BRENDA: It’s the guttering Vicar. I thought I should inform you straight away.

MARGARET: As did I.

BRENDA: It’s dripping onto the parish records!

BISHOP: The Parish records?! Good heavens. Reverend Carter, if those registers are damaged you will have more to worry about than this fete!

SIMON: Yes, my Lord! Shall we go and...

BISHOP: No! I shall inspect it personally. When I return, I expect Miss Hall to be present and ready to converse.

SIMON: She will be centred and conversable, my Lord.

BISHOP: See that she is. (He exits with purpose with MARGARET and BRENDA following at a rush) (D2)

(Simon stands smiling until the Bishop is gone. The smile drops instantly)

SIMON: Right. Breathe. (He loosens his collar) The Bishop is momentarily distracted by dripping gutters, Julia has a plan, and Lola Hall is… somewhere else. (Beat) This is manageable.

(He wipes his brow, attempts a calming prayer)

SIMON (cont.): Lord, I ask only for a small window of peace..

(LOLA enters, still clutching a bottle) (D2)

LOLA: There you are!

SIMON: MISS HALL!

LOLA: (Swaying toward him) I’ve been looking everywhere for you, you tall, calming, runner bean of a man.

SIMON: You really shouldn’t be wandering about alone.

LOLA: I’m not alone. (Beat) I’ve got this. (She lifts the bottle and nearly falls)

SIMON: Let me take that.

(He takes the bottle and puts it on the table)

LOLA: Do you know what I like about you?

SIMON: Was it my sermon on composting?

LOLA: You’re… safe.

SIMON: Yes. Good. Safe is good.

LOLA: All my life men have wanted something. Journalists..directors… actors… a man who sold scented candles and my life story. (She pokes his chest) But you don’t want anything.

SIMON: I want you to sit down and have a glass of water.

LOLA: You’re my good, honest man.

(She melts onto him. He freezes, arms stuck out like a coat stand)

SIMON: I really think you should sit down.

LOLA: (Feeling his arms) You’ve got very strong arms for a vicar.

SIMON: That’s from campanology.

LOLA: Oh, I did notice your funny walk.

SIMON: Bell ringing Miss Hall.

LOLA: Oooh. I do love a man who can handle a rope.

(She breaks away from him and starts swinging her arm)

LOLA (cont.): We should play tennis.

SIMON: I don’t think that’s appropriate right now.

LOLA: Go on, show me how you score.

SIMON: I usually just hit the net..

LOLA: Love all then (She winks at him and then swings her imaginary racquet, spinning and falling against him again)

LOLA (cont): We should run away together.

SIMON: Err I can’t, I have a sprained toe!

LOLA: We’ll live on your farm.

SIMON: I don’t have a farm.

LOLA: Oh yes, that was the other one. 

(She lunges to kiss him. He lurches. She overbalances)

SIMON: Careful!

(She staggers backward in his arms and they both collapse to the floor in a heap, her on top of him)

SIMON: MISS HALL?

(Beat)

SIMON (cont.): Lola?

(He tries to untangle himself and breaks free, leaving her on her back)

SIMON (cont.): Oh no. Oh dear Lord no no no no no!

(He kneels down and puts his ear to her mouth to check for breathing)

SIMON (cont.): She’s alive. She’s alive. She’s….

(Her arms suddenly wrap around his neck and drag him down on top of her)

LOLA: Oh Siiimey… Let’s play mixed doubles.

SIMON: Miss Hall I can’t, I’m married!

(The BISHOP is heard approaching from outside)

BISHOP (O.S.): Reverend Carter?

(SIMON breaks free, in the process she knees him and slumps back down)

SIMON: (Doubled over in pain) New balls please!

Lights fade - End of Scene One

ACT TWO - SCENE TWO

The church hall. Moments later.

AT RISE: (Scene as before. SIMON is stood cupping himself and breathing deeply)

(JULIA rushes in) (D1)

JULIA: Simon, I need to tell you my plan. Now don’t panic but… What are you doing? (Sees LOLA) Oh for heaven’s sake.

SIMON: She fell.

JULIA: Simon!

SIMON: Honestly Julia, one minute we were talking, the next she folded quicker than a WI trestle table.

JULIA: Is she..?

SIMON: Breathing? Yes.

JULIA: (Aside) Oh, that’s a shame

BISHOP (O.S.): Reverend Carter?

JULIA: Right. Come on, we need to move her.

SIMON: Where?

(They both look around. They spot the pile of children's cuddly toys in the corner)

JULIA: There.

SIMON: But that’s the nap time corner!

JULIA: And if the bishop catches you like this you’ll be in the job centre!

SIMON: Right!

JULIA: Quick cover her with these toys.

(They haul Lola into the corner and cover her in stuffed toys)

SIMON: Wait, her legs are sticking out. (He readjusts the toys)

JULIA: Well teddy or not, here he comes…

(They both adopt calm smiles just as the BISHOP enters)(D2)

BISHOP: Reverend Carter, I have seen the roof, the guttering, and a large pile of horse droppings. I now wish to meet Miss Hall.

SIMON: Yes, my Lord. Absolutely, my Lord. At once, my Lord.

BISHOP: Good.

(A beat. SIMON does nothing but smile at him)

BISHOP (cont.): Well?

SIMON: She’s… um…(Glancing back at Lola) having something to eat.

JULIA:(Aside) Yeah, she looks stuffed.

BISHOP: Well is she nearly finished? I don’t have all day

(LOLA groans)

SIMON: I’m sure I can hear her swallowing now my lord.

BISHOP: I am losing my patience, reverend!

JULIA: If you’ll excuse me, my lord, I’ll just go and see if Miss Hall is ready.

BISHOP: Please do. I am due in Shepton Blanch in ten minutes.

(JULIA exits quickly (D3) as SIMON puts three chairs out - centre stage)

BISHOP: You are perspiring, Reverend.

SIMON: It’s just holy water my lord.

BISHOP: You appear to be producing rather a lot of it.

SIMON: Yes… well… we like to be generous in this parish. 

(SIMON gestures to the chairs)

SIMON (Cont.): Please, my lord - do take a seat.

BISHOP: Thank you.

(The toy pile shifts slightly and LOLA groans again - catching the BISHOP’S eye)

BISHOP: What was that?

SIMON: TOYS, my lord… err for the children.

BISHOP: I swear I just saw them move

SIMON: Move? Ohhh, that’ll be the subsidence my Lord. 

BISHOP: Subsidence?

SIMON: Yes. Very common in… older parish halls. Things… settle. Shift. 

(LOLA groans again)

SIMON (cont.): Occasionally… groan. 

BISHOP: I see..

(JULIA re-enters (D3), followed by KEITH in full “LOLA” attire)

SIMON: (SIMON turns, his mouth drops) WHAT.. ON.. EARTH?!

JULIA: My Lord, may I introduce Miss Lola Hall.

KEITH: (Doing the ghost voice) Oooooh.

BISHOP: (Rising to greet ‘her’) Ah! Miss Hall! 

(KEITH does an enormous full-body nod)

BISHOP (cont.): It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.

(He offers his hand. KEITH gives a crushing handshake. The Bishop winces)

BISHOP (cont.): My, what a strong grip.

JULIA: That will be from all the stunts you do in your movies, isn’t that right Lola?

KEITH: (High-pitched voice) Yes, that’s right.

BISHOP: Do take a seat my dear. 

(BISHOP, SIMON and KEITH sit. KEITH sits wide legged and un-ladylike)  

BISHOP (cont): Now Miss Hall, I understand you are committed to clean living.

KEITH: (High-pitched voice) Absolutely.

BISHOP: No more… scandals?

KEITH: (High-pitched voice) No, I only wear boots now.

SIMON: (Hissing at KEITH) Scandals not sandals!

(During the following exchange - Behind them LOLA rises with a teddy bear on her head. JULIA notices and tries to usher her out. LOLA resists and breaks free, exiting (D1) followed by JULIA. This should all take place silently and unseen behind BISHOP, SIMON and KEITH)

BISHOP: And how do you find our little parish?

KEITH: (High-pitched voice) Easy. I live here!

BISHOP: Pardon?

SIMON: Err she said she could easily live here...

BISHOP: I see. (Aside to SIMON) I thought an actress would have more to say..

SIMON: She’s on voice rest my lord. Filming a new movie next week aren’t you Lola?

(KEITH nods)

BISHOP: Oh I see. Do you have a big part?

KEITH: (High pitched) Yes, but the skirt hides it.

BISHOP: And your work, I have not seen much of it, but I am told it is very good. I do enjoy a good movie though Miss Hall. As long as it isn’t one of those horror movies, I do not agree with sudden surprises!

(With that LOLA appears from the doorway. (D2) She walks towards the BISHOP with her arms outstretched like a zombie. Seeing this, SIMON jumps up to divert attention)

SIMON: AHHHHHHhhhhh..are you ok in here my lord? Perhaps we could go out to the gardens?

BISHOP: REVEREND! I am perfectly fine here, sit down!

(SIMON sheepishly sits as JULIA enters (D2). LOLA makes another run for it and exits. (D1) JULIA follows) (D1)

BISHOP (cont.): Now where was I.. oh yes  - Miss Hall, what sort of roles do you favour?

KEITH: (High-pitched voice) Cheese and pickle, mostly.

SIMON: (Hissing at KEITH) He means acting roles!

(With that, SID enters) (D1)

SID: Alright my lovers. 

SIMON: Oh no! Hello Sid, we’re in the middle of something actually..

SID: (Pointing at the BISHOP) Wait, I know him, he’s the holy man. 

SIMON: Sid! This is Bishop Castle.

SID: Sounds like a bloody chess move. And who’s she? See seems familiar..

SIMON: (Quickly) You’ve probably seen her on TV, this is Lola Hall.. the actress.

SID: I’ve just got a new TV actually. I saw an ad in the paper ‘Flatscreen TV, volume stuck on maximum, only £10’ - Well, I couldn’t turn it down could I?

SIMON: Sid, this really isn’t a good time..

SID: Hang on, I recognise him. His equipment got wet.

(KEITH instinctively looks down at his lap to check)

SIMON: Sid, not now..

SID: Cor you should have seen it earlier. All soaking wet, his little electric thingy was buzzing away in his hand..

SIMON: Sid, please.. 

SID: Moanin’ and squealin’ like a stuck pig he was.

SIMON: SID!

BISHOP: If you don’t mind I’m trying to speak with Miss Hall.

SID: (Laughing) Then why you talkin’ to him? 

SIMON: Oh god!

BISHOP: (Confused) What did you say?

SID: But you are in luck my boy, ‘cause I think that’s her behind you.

BISHOP:  What?!

(At that moment, LOLA rushes in, followed by an out of breath JULIA. (D1) The BISHOP turns to see her and screams in shock, everyone reacts, MARGARET and BRENDA enter at a rush) (D2)

(LOLA stands unsteadily, removing the teddy from her head, pointing dramatically at SIMON)

LOLA: There he is! My vicar… my forbidden vicar!

SIMON: Miss Hall, please!

LOLA: Don’t “Miss Hall” me, you… you… bell-ringing Casanova!

SIMON: (Patheticly) I didn’t ring your bell!

BISHOP: Reverend Carter? If this is Miss Hall, who is this woman? (Pointing at KEITH)

SIMON: I can explain..

KEITH: Can I take this skirt off now rev?

(The BISHOP stares in disbelief)

LOLA: He lured me in with his calming voice… his strong arms… and his… composting sermon.

KEITH: (Normal voice) His composting what?!

SIMON: I did no such thing!

LOLA: You said I needed calm! You said I should lie down! Next thing I know I’m on the floor!

SIMON: You fainted!

LOLA: From passion! We were alone. You told me about your foreplay..

SIMON: TENNIS! It was a mistake!

LOLA: He took my bottle away.

BISHOP: Your bottle?

LOLA: Control! It’s always about control!

(MARGARET gasps. BRENDA clutches her chest.)

MARGARET: Reverend Carter…

BRENDA: How could you?

SIMON: I didn’t!

LOLA: He carried me. In his arms.

SIMON: You were unconscious!

BISHOP: That is quite enough.

(He steps forward, cold and formal)

BISHOP (cont.): Reverend Carter… I placed my trust in you. I came here today prepared to reconsider my doubts. Instead I find lies… scandal… drunkenness… and… impropriety.

SIMON: My Lord, if you would just..

BISHOP: You will be silent.

(Beat.)

BISHOP (cont.): Reverend Carter, you are relieved of your duties with immediate effect.

(Silence drops like a stone)

MARGARET: No… no, you can’t…

BRENDA: He’s the best vicar we’ve ever had!

MARGARET: He baptised my begonias!

(They turn on LOLA)

BRENDA: You wicked woman!

MARGARET: You’ve ruined everything!

(They sob and embrace each other)

SIMON: (Quietly) My Lord… I only wanted to do something good for this parish.

BISHOP: And yet you have done precisely the opposite.

(A stunned silence. SIMON stands motionless. MARGARET and BRENDA cling to each other. LOLA sways. The BISHOP stands in judgement)

(EDNA steps forward, calmly closing her notebook with a decisive snap, they all look at her)

EDNA: Oh don’t stop on my account. This is the best bit.

BISHOP: And what exactly do you think you are doing?

EDNA: The denouement. 

(Everyone looks at her puzzled)

EDNA (cont.): I’ve been documenting... (She flips open the notebook and reads) “Reverend Carter’s dodgy tum”… “Mrs Carter threatening a wax”… “Keith in a flowery blouse”… “Margaret curtseying for promotion”… “Brenda weaponising a hawthorn”. 

BISHOP: I don’t understand.

EDNA: (Reading from the notebook) “..It was only a cockapoo.” “..my centre of gravity’s moved.” “..no one has been messing with your tipples.” “so many familiar feces”

(The others slowly realise these are their own words)

KEITH: Hey, that’s what I said!

BRENDA: And me!

MARGARET: You’ve been writing this down?

EDNA: I have

BRENDA: All of it?

EDNA: Word for word, my loves. This place…is a source of gold.

BISHOP: I fail to see what this has to do with anything..

EDNA: A play. (She holds up the notebook) For the village am-dram society. Working title: The Fete Fiasco.

(Beat)

SIMON: A play…?

EDNA: I’ve been wanting to put on a show for ages, something that would bring people to the village, bring us all together, and make some money for the roof fund at the same time. But I wasn’t sure how to go about it. (Beat) Until..

SIMON: Until what? 

EDNA: Simon, do you remember how you helped me reconnect with my estranged sister?

SIMON: Of course, it was my honour to help you.

EDNA: Well it turns out I also have a niece.. A rather famous niece. A niece.. who just happens to be an actress!

(They all twig, some quicker than others, and turn open-mouthed to look at LOLA)

LOLA: (Instantly sober, poised, in full celebrity mode) Hi Auntie Edna. You were right, this was absolutely joyous.

SIMON: (Stunned) Wwhhaaa? 

LOLA: Research, improvisation and total immersion.

SIMON: You mean…?

LOLA: You were never in any danger, Vicar. Well, not from me. (She smiles at JULIA)

JULIA: You planned this?

EDNA: Every collapse, every misunderstanding, every costume change. (Beat) Although the hooch did give it an extra sparkle.

KEITH: So I’m dressed like this for nothing?!.

LOLA: You were a revelation darling. A star. (Beat) Like a long-haired Benedict Cumberbatch.

KEITH: No thanks, it gives me indigestion.

BISHOP: This is highly irregular.

EDNA: It’s creative. It’s community minded, and it will bring people together.

LOLA: And it’s exactly the sort of story the press love. A struggling parish… A visionary vicar… A celebrity… Local talent… Initiative.

(The word lands. The Bishop perks up)

BISHOP: Initiative…

EDNA: Your word, my Lord.

BISHOP: (He straightens) Yes. Well. That is… precisely what I have been encouraging in my clergy. (He turns to SIMON) Reverend Carter, it appears I may have acted with… undue haste.

SIMON: My Lord?

BISHOP: A celebrity… a community production… press interest… (Beat) I see you have inspired your flock after all.

MARGARET: I knew it.

BRENDA: I said there was a plan.

EDNA: You absolutely did not!

SIMON: Julia…did you know?

JULIA: I didn’t have a bloody clue! (Beat) But I trust the people of this parish, and I trust you. I was sure things would work out somehow.

SIMON: (With a new found confidence) Well, Edna… Lola, it seems we owe you a huge thank you. 

(Everyone cheers and applauds enthusiastically) 

SIMON (cont.): But, we still have the small matter of a fete to run and money to make. (Stepping forward and taking charge) Margaret, Brenda - can I count on you to work together and make me proud?

BRENDA: (Swooning) Oh of course vicar. 

MARGARET: Anything you need vicar.

BRENDA: You can count on us!

SIMON: Excellent. Bishop Castle, I trust you will stay for the opening of the fete?

BISHOP: Absolutely! 

SIMON: My Lord… Thank you. (Beat) And Sid..

SID: Yes vicar?

(Pause)

SIMON: Do bugger off!

SID: Right oh vicar!

BISHOP: Lead the way ladies.

(BISHOP, MARGARET, BRENDA and SID exit) (D1)

KEITH: I think I’ll get changed now then, before Alf comes back and gets all handsy again. (He rushes off) (D3)

(JULIA approaches LOLA)

JULIA: Lola… I owe you an apology. I rather misjudged you.

LOLA: Oh that’s alright. I’ve made a career out of being misunderstood. (Gesturing towards SIMON) And you’ve got a good man there. I tested him thoroughly… not even a flicker.

JULIA: I know, I’m a very lucky woman. 

LOLA: (Laughing) Where can I find a man like that?

(With that, ALFIE appears in the doorway and approaches LOLA) (D2)

ALFIE: Miss Hall I’ve been thinking..

LOLA: Oh, call me Lola.

ALFIE: I know I’m just a lowly farmer and you’re all famous ‘n that. But I wondered whether you’d like to come and see my distillery?

LOLA: (Eyes lighting up) You have a distillery?

ALFIE: Oh aye - just for the elderflower.

LOLA: I’d love to Alf. You had me at fermentation! 

ALFIE: Yippee!  Gimme 5 minutes and I’ll wash the lamb shit off the bottles! (He runs out excitedly) (D2)

EDNA: Really Lola? Is that a good idea? 

LOLA: Don’t worry Auntie, I’m on the wagon. (Beat) But I do have an audition for All Creatures Great and Small next week, this is just what I need!

(She exits (D2) TARA nervously enters (D1) looking visibly upset)

EDNA: Hello love - oh what’s the matter sweetheart?

TARA: (Close to tears) I came here to meet Lola, but instead I just got attacked by a scary man in a skirt. It was terrifying. I ran out so quickly that I left my phone on record over there. (She points to it)

EDNA: (Eyes lighting up and seeing the phone) Well, I did tell you to film everything! Don’t worry love, I have a feeling your day is going to get a lot better.

TARA: How? All I want is to meet Lola.

EDNA: Well my dear, share that footage with me and I’ll make sure you get exactly what you came for - and more!

TARA: Really? Oh thank you so much (She hugs EDNA and then goes to her phone, handing it over to EDNA)

JULIA: What a morning! But I must say Simon, I am loving this new found confidence.. 

SIMON: (Turning to JULIA) Well, all that stress was for nothing. This  morning’s events have taught me a lesson. From now on I shall remain calm and in control.

JULIA: See, I told you not to worry Simon. These things always have a way of working themselves out.

SIMON: They certainly do.. (Suddenly clutching his tummy) Speaking of which. (Doubling over) I think it’s your kidney pie! (He runs off at a pace, clutching his behind) (D3)

EDNA: (Walking over to JULIA and brandishing the phone) Sod the play, how about we make a movie! 

BLACKOUT.

CURTAIN.

SET DESIGN

The set should have:

Stacked chairs (at least 4) and a trestle table.

Pile of stuffed toys.

Notice board with bunting.