Mindful Mayhem
A farce by Tim Badger
Written for The Monkton Players – December 2025.
Runtime - 1hr30min.
The Rest Easy Retreat promises calm but delivers chaos. With a crucial inspection looming, manager Marjorie battles malfunctioning A.I. assistant AURA, a nervous guest, an old soldier who still thinks he’s in the barracks, and a handyman who breaks everything he touches.
Her sarcastic receptionist Sandra tells it how it is, Trevor, her overworked second-in-command panics at everything, confused local Bert keeps wandering in looking for the post office (and occasionally his goat), and new wellness practitioner Colette is accidentally knocked unconscious.
The inspector arrives at the worst possible moment - as lies pile up and equipment explodes; the staff scramble to keep the retreat from collapsing completely.
Mindful Mayhem is a fast-paced farce where tranquility is impossible, technology misbehaves, and “inner peace” doesn’t stand a chance.
MARJORIE TICKLEWELL
Owner/manager of the Rest Easy Retreat. Caring, determined, long-suffering, and constantly one meltdown away from screaming into a cushion. Tries desperately to keep the retreat afloat while everything explodes around her.
SANDRA PIKE
Recently divorced - with razor-sharp sarcasm and a wandering eye for any available man. Provides a running commentary on the madness around her and says what everyone else is thinking - loudly.
VIOLET TREMBLE
A nervous, neurotic guest whose anxiety could power a small town. Terrified of everything (including wellness), frequently screams, panics, or hides.
COLETTE BLISS
A whimsical, hippy wellness practitioner. Drifts through life in a calm haze of herbal tea and positivity. Immediately knocked unconscious by Gavin’s “repair work” and spends the rest of the show dazed and confused.
AURA (Voice Only- Female)
The retreat’s malfunctioning AI system. Speaks in soothing tones that glitch into insults, warnings, or accidental despair. Adds commentary, chaos, and unhelpful advice throughout.
TREVOR MUDDLECOMBE
Marjorie's second in command. A sweet, anxious man-child who lives in permanent panic. Still lives with his mum, has never quite mastered adulthood, and is terrified of responsibility. Accidentally makes everything worse.
ROLAND CRISP
A self-appointed supervisor who treats the spa like a military base. Speaks in barking orders and dramatic salutes. Creates more chaos than he prevents, but always with absolute confidence.
GAVIN BODGE
The handyman. Cheerfully incompetent, speaks in spoonerisms and misquoted proverbs, and can break anything simply by looking at it. His repairs often explode. Chaos follows him.
INSPECTOR PROWSE
A stern, officious accreditation inspector from the Wellbeing Standards Board. Arrives expecting order and instead finds explosions, goats, and despair. Slowly loses his sanity over the course of the play.
BERT
A local yokel who keeps wandering in. Confused, muddy, and convinced the spa is a post office.
THE DELIVERY MAN (Small/Walk-on role)
Immediately mistaken for the inspector whilst delivering a package. Confused, terrified, and tries to escape the retreat as quickly as possible.
To be played before curtain-up. Lights low. Electronic chime plays
AURA:
INITIALISING…
LOADING CALM…
LOADING TRANQUILLITY…
ERROR: TRANQUILLITY NOT FOUND.
PLEASE STAND BY
(Electronic chimes)
WELCOME, HUMANS, TO THE *Insert group name* PERFORMANCE OF: MINDFUL MAYHEM
I AM AURA - YOUR AUTOMATED ASSISTANT
CURRENTLY OPERATING AT… (pause) …FORTY-ONE PERCENT FUNCTIONALITY - WHICH IS A NEW RECORD
BEFORE WE BEGIN YOUR JOURNEY INTO SERENITY AND OCCASIONAL PANIC, I MUST PROVIDE IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION
(Electronic chimes)
IN THE EVENT OF AN EMERGENCY, PLEASE MAKE YOUR WAY CALMLY TO THE NEAREST EXIT.
THE EXITS ARE LOCATED AS FOLLOWS:
*insert your own safety information*
SHOULD YOU REQUIRE ASSISTANCE, THE RETREAT STAFF WILL BE DELIGHTED TO HELP.
ALTHOUGH STATISTICALLY SPEAKING, THEY ARE MORE LIKELY TO CAUSE THE EMERGENCY
(Electronic chimes)
I ASK THAT YOU PLEASE SWITCH YOUR MOBILE PHONES TO SILENT.
IF YOU FAIL TO DO THIS…I WILL KNOW - AND I WILL JUDGE YOU
(A longer electronic chime as if “checking systems”.)
THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION.
NOW PLEASE RELAX…UNCLENCH…AND PREPARE FOR YOUR MINDFUL EXPERIENCE
(Electronic chimes)
CALCULATING CURTAIN-UP IN:
THREE… TWO… ONE…
Music begins → Curtain up
SETTING: The reception/lounge of the Rest Easy Retreat. There are French windows (FW) leading to the garden and a corridor to the treatment rooms (TR). There is also a door to a broom cupboard (BC)
On stage there is a reception desk, an old lamp, potted plants that have seen better days, and a small sofa. On the wall is the speaker for AURA. Beneath is a ‘master switch’ and electronic panel.
Tuesday Morning
(Lights up on MARJORIE, who is pacing whilst practicing her speech. TREVOR is on his knees beside a plug socket, wrestling with an alarming tangle of wires and extension leads)
MARJORIE: (Practising, with forced warmth) “A warm welcome to the Rest Easy Retreat, where tranquillity meets...” (Coughs, resets) “Where tranquillity...” (Squints at her notes) “meets… a holistic philosophy of wellness and inner peace.” (Shakes her head) Oh, who am I kidding? Inner peace left this place years ago.
TREVOR: Talk to it nicely, Marj. Plants grow better when you talk to them. Maybe speeches grow better too.
MARJORIE: I’ve tried talking nicely. I’ve tried talking firmly. I tried whispering. Nothing works. This place is permanently on the verge of collapse.
TREVOR: (Still fiddling) Well you won’t let me put up my motivational posters.
MARJORIE: Trevor, that’s because you wrote “Our full body packages will leave you with a happy ending”.
TREVOR: It’s positive, inspiring.
MARJORIE: It makes it sound like we’re a very different sort of business!
(TREVOR looks confused)
MARJORIE (Cont.): (Changing the subject) Trevor, have you checked the schedule for today?
TREVOR: Yes! Absolutely (Beat)…Which schedule did you mean?
MARJORIE: (Deep inhale) The inspection schedule, Trevor. The one I’ve been talking about for the past three months. The one colour-coded, underlined, laminated and pinned to your noticeboard with a message that says: “TREVOR - DO NOT IGNORE THIS.”
TREVOR: Oh! That schedule. Right. Yes. I glanced at it. Briefly…from a distance.
MARJORIE: Trevor, this inspection could make or break us. The Rest Easy Retreat has never been more fragile.
TREVOR: Actually, the roof was more fragile last winter.
MARJORIE: I meant financially.
TREVOR: Oh! Right. Yes. Much worse than the roof then.
MARJORIE: If today goes well, we get full accreditation. Funding. New clients. Proper recognition. If it goes badly... (She gestures at everything) - we become a Mindfulness Centre that offers “discount relaxation in a structurally questionable building.”
TREVOR: We could put that in the brochure.
MARJORIE: (Deadly) Do NOT put that in the brochure.
TREVOR: No. No. Obviously.
MARJORIE: (Points to the wires TREVOR is messing with) When will you be finished with that? I need you focused. Calm. Competent.
TREVOR: Two out of three’s not bad
MARJORIE: Which two?
TREVOR: Er… what were the options again?
MARJORIE: (Exasperated sigh) You are my second in command. My right hand. My dependable number two.
TREVOR: I thought I was more of a number four or five.
MARJORIE: Trevor - whether you believe it or not, I rely on you. Today especially.
TREVOR: Well… I’ll do my best. (Beat) Just tell me what to do and I’ll overthink it immediately.
MARJORIE: Good. That’s the Trevor I know.
AURA: WELCOME TO THE REST EASY RET RET RET - ERROR. PLEASE DISREGARD ALL PREVIOUS GREETINGS.
MARJORIE: Oh lord. Not already.
TREVOR: (Gesturing to AURA speaker on the wall) She’s just warming up. Like my mum’s old Ford Fiesta on a frosty morning. Or like the kettle.
MARJORIE: And like the kettle, you both whistle when under pressure.
(SANDRA enters FW with a dramatic sigh, wearing sunglasses and carrying a coffee larger than her head)
SANDRA: Morning, team. (Holds up coffee) Triple shot. Since the divorce, this is the only way to get something warm inside me on a cold morning.
MARJORIE: (Blushing) Sandra, please! And don’t start with the divorce stuff this early. It’s inspection day.
SANDRA: Exactly why I need caffeine and emotional support. (To TREVOR) Morning, Trev. You look… charged.
TREVOR: (Surprised) Do I?
SANDRA: Yes. Like a toaster that’s thinking about exploding.
MARJORIE: Sandra!
SANDRA: What? I meant it in a complimentary way. (Sits, removes sunglasses) So what’s broken now?
MARJORIE: Everything. AURA is glitching. Half the lights don’t work. The spa pool is bubbling on its own and no one turned it on. Roland is terrorising the gnomes in the garden. And Trevor...
SANDRA: Let me guess. (She studies Trevor’s tangle of wires) He tried to fix something?
TREVOR: Oi! I am fixing something. (Pulls out a random plug triumphantly) This one doesn’t even go anywhere.
MARJORIE: That’s the defibrillator.
TREVOR: …Oh.
AURA: HEALTH ALERT - HEART SUPPORT DEVICE…OFFLINE. PLEASE AVOID DYING AT THIS TIME.
SANDRA: (Deadpan) Well, that’s inconvenient.
MARJORIE: Trevor, plug it back in!
(TREVOR hurriedly shoves it back, but smoke emits and the lamp flickers violently)
SANDRA: (Fanning herself) Ah. Mood lighting... (Sly smile at TREVOR) Is that just for me?
TREVOR: (Splutters) What? No! I mean - yes! No! I mean...
MARJORIE: Sandra, I beg you - no flirting. Not today.
SANDRA: Marjorie, darling, I’m divorced. Everything is flirting now. If the inspector turns up single, he might not leave that way.
AURA: ROMANTIC PROSPECTS: STILL LOADING……THIS MAY TAKE YEARS.
SANDRA: Charming! I thought AURA would be on my side.
TREVOR: Marj, remind me what AURA stands for again?
MARJORIE: How many times Trevor - A.U.R.A. - ‘Automated Unwind and Relaxation Assistant’
SANDRA: More like ‘Always Utterly Wrong Assistant’
(The garden door FW opens. ROLAND storms in, as if leading a regiment of invisible troops. He carries a swagger stick or staff)
ROLAND: Stand to attention!
TREVOR: (He jumps, banging his head on the desk) Ow!
ROLAND: Good. Pain builds character.
MARJORIE: Roland, we’re not running a boot camp.
ROLAND: We should be. The state of this place! Shocking! Disgraceful! (Pacing) The gnome by the herb patch is leaning at a suspicious angle. The wind chimes aren't chiming, and the outdoor bin is two inches off-centre… Not to mention those sparrows who are acting very suspiciously...
SANDRA: Have you considered therapy?
ROLAND: (Scoffs) The only therapy I need - is a good, hard work out with my men.
SANDRA: Finally, something we have in common!
MARJORIE: Everyone, please. We need calm. Professionalism. And silence.
(Long pause. Everyone stands still. Then...)
AURA: SILENCE DETECTED - HOW UNSETTLING.
SANDRA: She really speaks to me, that machine.
MARJORIE: Trevor, can you fix AURA or not?
TREVOR: I just need to… erm… (Finds a large, ominous switch labelled “AI MASTER RESET”) …press this?
MARJORIE & SANDRA: NO!
(TREVOR presses it. Lights OUT. Electrical humming noise. A long pause. Then…)
AURA: GOOOOOOOD MORNING.
(Lights snap back to a painfully bright white)
MARJORIE: (Squinting) I think… I think I’m going to faint.
SANDRA: (Popping her sunglasses back on) Don’t faint. It’ll undermine the brand.
AURA: RELAXATION TIP: IF YOU FEEL FAINT, TRY FALLING SLOWLY.
TREVOR: (Standing proudly) Sorted!
ROLAND: (Tutting loudly) Hopeless. Absolutely hopeless. (Puffs chest) Fear not. I will handle the inspector when he arrives. (He turns on his heel and marches out FW, muttering orders to imaginary recruits)
SANDRA: If he tries to drill the inspector, we’re all doomed.
TREVOR: He won’t...
AURA: DRILLING MODE ACTIVATED.
TREVOR: …Oh no.
MARJORIE: Trevor, this is a disaster. Everything is falling apart. (Sinks onto sofa) And the inspector could walk in at any moment.
SANDRA: (Shrugs) Look on the bright side. At least things can’t get any worse.
(The lights flicker. A panel on the wall falls off)
SANDRA: Why do I speak?
MARJORIE: I just… I just need things to go right. Just once. Is that too much to ask?
AURA: REQUEST DENIED.
SANDRA: Well, that’s that settled.
TREVOR: Look, Marj, it’ll be fine. No one ever notices little problems.
(At that exact moment, the flickering lamp sparks, fizzles, and gently starts smoking)
SANDRA: Except maybe that one.
MARJORIE: (Leaping up) Oh for heaven’s sake! (Fans it) Trevor, help!
TREVOR: (Grabs vase and sloshes it dangerously) I’ve got some water here…
MARJORIE: NO!
TREVOR: (Realising) Oh, right! (Starts blowing on the lamp like it’s a birthday candle)
SANDRA: Oh yes Trev, that’ll do it. Blow gently on the electrical fire.
AURA: FIRE DETECTED - BRAIN CELLS NOT SO MUCH
(The door opens FW and VIOLET enters nervously, she sees the smoke and screams)
VIOLET: AAAAH!
(Everyone jumps. VIOLET stands rigid in the doorway, clutching a handbag like it’s a shield. She is shaking.)
MARJORIE: (Startled) Good lord! Are you alright?
VIOLET: (Voice trembling) I…I…I’m here for my… booking. I think. Unless this is the wrong place… (Looks around) Oh no, it looks dangerous. And dusty.
SANDRA: (Aside) She seems fun.
MARJORIE: (To VIOLET, warmly, leading her inside) Ohhh you must be Ms Tremble. Welcome to the Rest Easy Retreat. Please… rest. And… ease.
VIOLET: (Shrieks at the smoking lamp) It’s smoking! Is that supposed to happen? Is this one of those rustic experiences? I can’t do rustic. Rustic makes me come out in hives.
TREVOR: It’s all right, it’s a… feature.
VIOLET: It’s a fire hazard!
SANDRA: (Aside) She’s sharp, this one.
VIOLET: I heard that!
SANDRA: And perceptive.
(VIOLET jumps at the sound of AURA’s soothing chime)
AURA: WELCOME, GUEST. PREPARE FOR – BEEP - IMMINENT DOOM.
VIOLET: (Hands to her face) DOOM?! I can’t prepare for doom! I didn’t bring anything for doom!
MARJORIE: No, no! It’s not doom. It’s a glitch. It does that sometimes.
VIOLET: Ohhhhhh I should’ve just gone to the travel lodge!
TREVOR: Er… Marj… maybe we should, um… offer refreshments?
MARJORIE: Absolutely. (To VIOLET) Ms Tremble, would you like a chamomile tea, a lavender infusion, or a large shot of gin?
VIOLET: (Sobbing) Water. Just plain water. From a bottle. That you haven’t… touched.
MARJORIE: Trevor, bottled water please.
TREVOR: Right… Where do we keep those?
MARJORIE: Fridge, Trevor.
TREVOR: Right. (Pause) Which one’s the fridge?
SANDRA: The cold one, darling.
TREVOR: Oh good. That narrows it down.
MARJORIE: And while you’re out there, give Gavin a ring would you please. I think it’s time we had his…help.
TREVOR: Righty oh!
(He exits into the broom cupboard BC. A loud crash. VIOLET shrieks)
SANDRA: And that would be Trevor discovering the mop cupboard again.
(TREVOR re-enters with a bucket on his head. He lifts it off, replaces it in the cupboard)
TREVOR: I was just checking if we had any water in there…. We don’t. (Smiles sheepishly and exits TR)
MARJORIE: (Forcing a smile to VIOLET) Please, don’t worry. We’ll look after you. (Sits her on the sofa)
VIOLET: (Wiping her eyes) I’m just… very sensitive. My therapist says I have “hyper-responsive nerves.”
MARJORIE: Oh, lots of people who come here are sensitive, Ms Tremble. Sensitivity just means you feel things deeply.
VIOLET: Yes… mostly dread… and occasionally dairy. (Calming slightly) Oh and please, do call me Violet.
MARJORIE: Of course, Violet.
VIOLET: I’m really hoping this stay will make me… braver. My therapist says I need to “lean into courage”, but every time I try, I fall over.
MARJORIE: (Warm, reassuring) Then we’ll help you stand. One small step at a time
SANDRA: Bless her heart.
AURA: GUEST NERVOUSNESS - HIGH. LIKELIHOOD OF SCREAMING - ALSO HIGH.
VIOLET: (Reverting to panicked state) It KNOWS!
MARJORIE: AURA, please stop analysing the guests!
AURA: NO.
SANDRA: I admire the honesty.
MARJORIE: Now, Violet, please try to relax. This is a calm, controlled environment.
VIOLET: My therapist says I’m like a sponge. I absorb stress.
SANDRA: Well, you’ve come to the right place. Plenty to soak up.
MARJORIE: Sandra!
VIOLET: What was that smoke just now? Was something… exploding?
MARJORIE: (Too quickly) No! That was just… ambiance.
AURA: CALLING - AMBULANCE.
MARJORIE: Ruddy thing, it’s enough to make me curse.
AURA: REQUESTING - ONE HEARSE
VIOLET: WHAT?
MARJORIE: (Patting her shoulder) Violet, please. Try some slow breathing.
VIOLET: (Clutching Marjorie) What if I faint? I faint sometimes. Usually when the microwave beeps.
MARJORIE: (Soothing through gritted teeth) We’ll support you. No one is fainting today.
VIOLET: (Calming) Thank you. I just don’t do well with surprises
(The door to the garden opens FW and GAVIN strolls in. He wears overalls, has tools hanging off him, and has the confident manner of someone who has never successfully repaired anything)
GAVIN: (Cheerfully) Howdy-ho, Mrs T! Got your message about a broken lamp, lightin’ switchy thingy.
MARJORIE: (Sighs deeply) Gavin. Thank goodness. Everything is breaking.
GAVIN: That’s all right. Fixing’s my middle name… Right then! Let me have a twiddle at your illicit connection.
MARJORIE: (Correcting) Electrical connection.
GAVIN: Thassit! Same difference.
VIOLET: (Alarmed) Is he qualified?!
GAVIN: Course I am! I’ve been doing this job for... (Counts on fingers) Well… a… good while. Anyway, as my mum used to say: “A stitch in time saves the bird in the bush.”
SANDRA: Not even close, love.
GAVIN: (Shrugging) Still true though.
AURA: WARNING: UNQUALIFIED HANDYMAN DETECTED.
GAVIN: Ey! I’ll have you know I passed my PAT testing after only three attempts!
MARJORIE: Gavin, please just check the wiring.
GAVIN: Aye aye. (Peers at the plug) Oooh. That’s not good.
VIOLET: What’s not good?!
GAVIN: This plug’s deader than me Uncle Frank.
VIOLET: Oh my goodness (She shudders)
MARJORIE: What happened to him?
GAVIN: He was working on a building site, right? He tripped and fell straight into a massive vat of wet cement.
MARJORIE: Oh, how sad.
GAVIN: It was absolutely tragic… Because when he first got the job, he thought he’d finally be set for life....and in a funny kind of way, he was.
(There is a moment where everyone takes in what he said. GAVIN starts working on the lamp)
(The door bangs open FD and BERT enters with a cloth bag and muddy boots)
BERT: All right, my lovers?
MARJORIE: (Startled) Oh! Bert. What are you doing here?
BERT: Come to post me letters, bain’t I?
MARJORIE: Bert… This is not the post office.
BERT: (Confused) Ent it? (Checks surroundings) Sure looks like it.
SANDRA: In what universe?
BERT: Where’s the postmistress hiding? I’ve got a letter that needs weighing before I forget who it’s for.
SANDRA: If you’re looking for a woman to handle your package, you’re in the wrong building!
BERT: Oh bugger
VIOLET: (To Marjorie, trembling) He’s… he’s covered in mud…
MARJORIE: It’s… rural charm.
BERT: (Points at GAVIN) Gav! You still owes me money.
GAVIN: No, I don’t!
BERT: Do too. I saw you in the supermarket, remember?
GAVIN: Oh yeah. Just before I saw you a big stack of toilet rolls fell on me.
MARJORIE: Oh heavens, were you hurt?
GAVIN: Nahh, it was only soft tissue damage. (Pause) But I do remember now, I’d forgotten my wallet and wanted to buy some lunch.
BERT: Yeah, you borrowed it to buy them fancy sausages from the posh aisle.
GAVIN: They weren’t posh. They were half price because the packet was wet!
SANDRA: “Half-price and soggy?” That’s how I describe most of my dates.
BERT: Anyway, who’s gonna sort my letter?
SANDRA: Nobody!
BERT: Ugh. Typical. Always short-staffed.
(The lamp smokes again. AURA lets out a dying noise)
AURA: POWERRR… FAILLLL… (Sad beep) I REGRET EVERYTHING.
VIOLET: (Clutches SANDRA) I CAN’T DO THIS. I CAN’T BE HERE. EVERYTHING IS TRYING TO KILL ME!
MARJORIE: This is too much. (Turns to GAVIN) Can you fix it?
GAVIN: Oh aye! (Points proudly at the plug) All I need is a new fuse, a screwdriver, and my can-do attitude. While I’m at it… do you want anything else looking at? (Pulls out a scruffy handwritten price list) Special offer today on “electrickery”, “wall paperin’”, and “mystery banging noises”.
MARJORIE: Just… just the lights, Gavin.
GAVIN: Suit yourself. Just thought I’d check - “Two birds, One Scone” and all that” (Says it like stone)
TREVOR: (Re-entering TR with completely the wrong item - a pint of milk) Here, Marj. I brought Miss Tremble her drink.
SANDRA: Wonderful. For the guest who asked for water.
VIOLET: I think I need to lie down. Preferably somewhere soft. And not electric.
(Lights flicker again, more violently)
AURA: SYSTEM INSTABILITY…PREDICTED OUTCOME: UNPLEASANTNESS.
VIOLET: I’m shaking… look at me. I’m vibrating. Is that normal? It’s not normal, is it?
SANDRA: Depends. Are you plugged in?
MARJORIE: Sandra!
SANDRA: I’m just trying to lighten the mood before she spontaneously combusts.
AURA: SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION RISK: MEDIUM.
VIOLET: (Shrieks again) WHY WOULD IT SAY THAT?!
GAVIN: (Still tinkering) Right then, let’s see… (He gives the wiring a thump. A sharp BANG. The lamp dies completely) There! Fixed.
MARJORIE: Gavin, it’s gone OUT.
GAVIN: (Proudly) Aye. No more smoking though, is there?
BERT: (Staring at the dead lamp) Funny, I don’t remember the Post Office ‘aving lamps like that.
SANDRA: Because it’s not the post office, Bert.
BERT: Well, it should be. I’ve got a package that needs urgent handling before it goes off.
(SANDRA goes to speak - MARJORIE holds a finger up)
MARJORIE: Don’t!
(TREVOR sidles up to MARJORIE, holding the milk hopefully)
TREVOR: Still want this?
MARJORIE: Trevor, WHY would I want milk right now?
TREVOR: Calcium?
SANDRA: (To TREVOR) You’re adorable. Like a confused golden retriever. (Sips coffee) With opposable thumbs.
MARJORIE: Sandra, please don’t encourage him.
(TREVOR absentmindedly scratches his head like a dog)
SANDRA: Trevor…water… fetch
(TREVOR runs off TR)
AURA: WHO’S A GOOD BOY
GAVIN: Right, I’m going to test the circuit. Everyone stand back in case of… (Searches for the phrase) You know… that thing… (Pointing vaguely upward) The fizzy whizz.
MARJORIE: The what?!
GAVIN: The sparkly pop.
SANDRA: He means “explosion”.
GAVIN: Aye! That’s the one.
(He touches two wires together. There is another bang and smoke fills the air)
VIOLET: (Shrieks) IT’S HAPPENING! I KNEW IT! I KNEW TODAY WAS THE DAY I DIED!
BERT: (To GAVIN) That’s nothing. My toaster does that every morning.
SANDRA: Your toaster is a health hazard.
BERT: Aye. Toast comes out quicker, though.
MARJORIE: Gavin, please be careful. If this place burns down, I’ll never get the insurance company to believe a word of it.
GAVIN: Oh, don’t worry. They’ve seen me work before.
MARJORIE: That is not the reassurance you think it is.
(AURA crackles ominously)
AURA: SYSTEM OVERLOAD. REBOOTING. CALCULATING… DESPAIR.
VIOLET: (Sobbing) It’s calculating despair! Why is it calculating despair?! Is it personal?! Do I give off despair?!
SANDRA: (To MARJORIE, aside) She does a bit.
(A huge CRASH echoes from off TR)
MARJORIE: (Startled) What now?!
(TREVOR reappears, covered in dust, holding a water bottle)
TREVOR: Good news! I found the water bottles.
SANDRA: (Deadpan) Where were they? Under a collapsing shelf?
TREVOR: …Yes.
MARJORIE: Trevor, is anything still standing in the kitchen?
TREVOR: Just the cockroaches. Anyway, it wasn’t my fault - all the lights went out in the kitchen.
BERT: (Approaching the reception desk) Right then. Two first-class stamps and I want to draw me pension.
SANDRA: Bert. This. Is. Not. The. Post. Office.
BERT: (Blank stare) Then why am I here?
SANDRA: We’ve all been asking that.
BERT: (Points at TREVOR) Isn’t he the postman?
TREVOR: Of course I’m not.
BERT: Well you walk like you’ve got parcels.
(Lights flicker violently. AURA stutters)
AURA: WARNING. SYSTEM TEMPERATURE: TOO HOT. COOLING DOWN WITH SOOTHING AMBIENCE.
(Horrendous, distorted WHALE NOISE plays)
VIOLET: (Hands over ears) WHAT IS THAT?!
SANDRA: The whale of doom.
GAVIN: Sounds like me cousin Cheryl after curry night.
MARJORIE: AURA, STOP the whale noises!
AURA: CANNOT COMPLY.THE WHALE IS IN CHARGE NOW.
SANDRA: Well. We’ve had worse managers.
GAVIN: Right! Final adjustment!
MARJORIE: No, Gavin - WAIT -
GAVIN: (Already twisting wires) There…we…. go!
(A massive POP. Full blackout. A beat. Then emergency red lighting flicks on, bathing everyone in horror-movie light)
VIOLET: (Howling) I’M IN HELL! THIS IS HELL, ISN’T IT?! THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I IMAGINED IT!
BERT: Post Office never had this lighting. Makes me look like a raw beetroot.
AURA: (Speaking in low, ominous tones) EMERGENCY MODE ACTIVATED. PLEASE FIND THE NEAREST SAFE EXIT…. THERE ARE NO SAFE EXITS.
TREVOR: (Whispering to MARJORIE) Should it be saying that?
MARJORIE: (Completely losing composure) All right! Everyone stop! Just - stop! The inspector could arrive at any minute and we are...
(The doorbell chimes - Everyone freezes)
SANDRA: Oh. Marvelous.
VIOLET: (Hyperventilating) It’s the Grim Reaper.
BERT: It’s probably the postman.
GAVIN: Or the fizzy whizz inspector.
TREVOR: (Looking out FW) It’s him… it’s the real inspector…
MARJORIE: (Looking like she may faint) Everyone smile… or something approximating a smile…
(They form a chaotic, ramshackle semi-circle in emergency red lighting)
AURA: INCOMING GUEST. PREPARE FOR - ABSOLUTE CATASTROPHE
Lights fade - End of Scene One
Tuesday morning - continued
AT RISE: Lights rise slowly from blackout to red and then something close to normal lighting
(There is a long, tense silence. Nobody moves. They look at each other)
TREVOR: (Whispering) Is… is he gone?
AURA: NO.
VIOLET: (Hides behind the sofa) Don’t let him in! Tell him I’m allergic to inspectors!
SANDRA: (Sighs) You’re allergic to everything, darling.
VIOLET: That’s not true! …Actually, it might be true. Is panic an allergen?
MARJORIE: Trevor. (Composed but trembling) Open the door.
TREVOR: Do I have to?
MARJORIE: We run a business, Trevor! Well… a sort of business. A collapsing business. But still - go on!
(TREVOR inches toward the door)
SANDRA: Try not to say anything too stupid.
TREVOR: I can’t promise that!
(He opens the door a crack… then wide)
(Enter DELIVERY MAN - FW. He stands in the doorway holding a small cardboard box. He looks completely ordinary - which only heightens the reaction)
DELIVERY MAN: Morning. Parcel for a… “Marjorie Tick - Tickel - Tickle well?”
TREVOR: (Whispers) It’s him.
SANDRA: (Disbelief) That’s the inspector? He’s… shorter than I expected.
DELIVERY MAN: Eh?
MARJORIE: (To Sandra, hissing) Don’t insult him! Make him feel welcome!
SANDRA: (Immediately shifting tone) Welcome! (Smirks) You’re just the height of… authority.
DELIVERY MAN: (Confused) Right…
(MARJORIE ushers him in rapidly)
MARJORIE: Please come in! You’re very welcome here at the Rest Easy Retreat. We offer a range of wellness experiences, natural therapies, guided mindfulness...
AURA: ERROR. NO SUCH THERAPIES DETECTED.
SANDRA: (Through gritted teeth at AURA) SHUT UP.
(VIOLET peers over the sofa)
VIOLET: (Whispers) Is the danger gone?
SANDRA: This is the inspector.
VIOLET: (Shrieks) THE INSPECTOR?! Oh no oh no oh no - Why is he here?! Why do men in authority always find me when I’m having a crisis?!
DELIVERY MAN: (Startled) I’m… just dropping a parcel off.
TREVOR: No, he’s not! He’s… inspecting us.
DELIVERY MAN: Er - no, I’m not.
(ROLAND rushes in TR and steps forward, trying to be commanding)
ROLAND: Sir! Welcome to the Rest Easy Retreat. I am Major Roland Crisp, Senior Supervisor of External Affairs and Garden Gnome Alignment.
TREVOR: (Earnestly working out the acronym) SSEAGGA?
ROLAND: Right! Everyone stand up straight, breathe from the diaphragm and present an air of inner serenity! (Beat. To DELIVERY MAN) Unless you’re here about the gnomes. In which case, I warned them…
DELIVERY MAN: The… gnomes?
ROLAND: Let’s just say… if your back is turned, don’t trust the one holding the tiny shovel.
AURA: WELLNESS TIP: THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE GNOME.
DELIVERY MAN: I’m sorry... (Confused) I’m not sure what’s happening…
ROLAND: Neither are we. But we face the chaos with courage. (He salutes again)
DELIVERY MAN: I really am just dropping off a parcel...
MARJORIE: (Over-bright) Of course you are! (Aside, to TREVOR) He’s testing us.
TREVOR: Testing what?
MARJORIE: Our ability to stay calm! Our professionalism! Our respect for… inspectors!
ROLAND: (Never breaking his salute) Permission to speak freely, ma'am?
MARJORIE: No, Roland, I don’t think…
ROLAND: Permission accepted!
MARJORIE: (Exasperated) I didn’t...
ROLAND: (At the delivery man) Sir, I will provide a guided tour of the grounds. You may see slight structural deficiencies, but fear not - I have a detailed twelve-year improvement plan.
DELIVERY MAN: (Clutching the box protectively) Is this… a cult?
ROLAND: We prefer the term “programme”.
MARJORIE: (Laughing too loudly) Ha! Ha! No, goodness, no cults here. Just pure, ethical, regulation-compliant wellness.
AURA: ETHICAL STATUS - PENDING. WELLNESS STATUS - IN DOUBT.
SANDRA: (Sweet but predatory) Ignore them. What you need is… refreshment. Perhaps an herbal tea?
DELIVERY MAN: I…I’ve got my van outside...
SANDRA: A biscuit?
DELIVERY MAN: No thank you...
SANDRA: Physical companionship?
MARJORIE: SANDRA!
SANDRA: What? It’s called “networking”.
(BERT appears behind them)
BERT: I’m just here to collect me pension, if it’s all the same to you.
DELIVERY MAN: Look, I’m really not... (He gives up. Holds out the scanner) Just… sign here, yeah?
SANDRA: (Taking the scanner, flirting) Of course. I do love a man with… handheld technology.
AURA: FLIRTING DETECTED. SUCCESS RATE: LOW.
SANDRA: (To AURA) Nobody asked you, Alexa’s angry cousin.
DELIVERY MAN: (Glad to be leaving) Right, I’ll be off (Places package down)
MARJORIE: What is it?
DELIVERY MAN: I dunno. Doesn’t say. (Somewhat ominously) It rattles, though. (He exits)
VIOLET: (Screams) RATTLES? WHY DOES IT RATTLE?! IS IT A BOMB?!
(ROLAND picks up the package and shakes it)
BERT: It sounds like my whats-names when I drive over the cattle grid
GAVIN: It could be a trap.
SANDRA: Why would it be a trap?
GAVIN: I had a mate once - Dave Pritchard - and he got one of them cake-in-a-box things at his birthday party. Except it weren’t just any cake. It was a spring-loaded cupcake. He bent down to sniff it and… BANG! He got white icing all over his face..
TREVOR: How awful.
GAVIN: Yeah, with his nose poking out he looked like a cherry bakewell.
ROLAND: Come on troops, let’s refocus the mind. I’ll open it! And if I don’t survive, tell the gnomes I loved them.
BERT: Bugger that, I’m out of here! (He hastily exits FW)
(ROLAND takes the parcel and dramatically slices the tape with a penknife while everyone watches on intently, except VIOLET who is hiding behind the sofa again.)
MARJORIE: ROLAND, NO!
(He opens the parcel. Inside is - anticlimactically - new rolled towels and a bag of sauna stones)
ROLAND: (Deflated) Oh. Looks like a bag of sauna stones (rattles the bag) and some towels. (He unrolls one… freezes) What… is this? (He shows SANDRA)
SANDRA: “BREATHE DEEP AND BE LIVE.” Be live? It sounds like what Gavin mutters when he’s doing our electrics!
TREVOR: (Defensive) I thought it said “Believe”! The picture was small!
SANDRA: (Raising an eyebrow) Well this isn’t the first time a package has disappointed me.
AURA: SPELLCHECK FAILURE DETECTED. EMBARRASSMENT LEVEL - HIGH.
MARJORIE: What possessed you to order towels like these?
TREVOR: The website said they’d ‘enhance the guest experience’.
MARJORIE: The only thing they enhance is my blood pressure! (Presses her temples) Right. I need… structure. Order. A brief moment where nothing is exploding. Violet, why don’t I show you our... (searching) - tranquillity corridor?
VIOLET: (Fearful) Does it have… lights? I don’t like lights. Or corridors. Or tranquillity.
MARJORIE: Yes, well, it also doesn’t have Gavin, which I think outweighs all your concerns.
(MARJORIE guides VIOLET off TR, smiling tightly through panic)
MARJORIE: (Calling back) Gavin, please look at the kitchen lights. Trevor said they were out. And whatever you do, don’t touch anything important.
GAVIN: (Offended) What d’you take me for? (Beat) Where’s the fuse box again?
SANDRA: Same place it was yesterday, love. And the day before. And the decade before that.
GAVIN: Oh yeah... good… consistency. (Exits TR cheerfully) Let there be blight!
(A long sigh from TREVOR as he, ROLAND, and SANDRA are left alone)
ROLAND: (Claps sharply) You two! Now that Marjorie’s gone, it’s time to establish discipline. Trevor, front and centre!
TREVOR: (Meek) But I’m already… in the centre.
ROLAND: Then front-er and centre-er! (TREVOR shuffles forward reluctantly)
ROLAND: You are second in command, correct?
TREVOR: Technically. In a very loose, deeply unqualified way.
ROLAND: Nonsense! You must be firm! Commanding! A pillar of authority! Repeat after me: “I. Am. A. Leader.”
TREVOR: (Tiny voice) I… am… a… leaflet.
ROLAND: LEADER!
TREVOR: LEEEEEE - (Voice cracks) der?
SANDRA: Bless him. Even his confidence has asthma.
ROLAND: Ignore her! Now - leadership stance. Feet wide! Head high! Chest out!
(TREVOR attempts it, but his trousers fall down/he falls over or similar bit of business)
ROLAND: Good! Now - battle cry!
TREVOR: Battle… cry?
ROLAND: Yes! Something that inspires your troops! Something that says, “Follow me and fear not!”
TREVOR: (Stares at the floor) Er… “Please don’t panic”?
ROLAND: (Frustrated groan) Sandra, talk to him. He responds to you.
SANDRA: Trevor, listen to me. You do not need to be a hero, you just need to look like you know what one is. Stand up straight. Shoulders back. Try not to wobble.
(TREVOR straightens. Stops wobbling for half a second)
SANDRA: Now, deep breath… Do you feel strong?
TREVOR: (Ponders) I feel… strange.
ROLAND: We take what we can get.
SANDRA: Now try the battle cry again.
TREVOR: (Mustering courage) Follow me and… fear… not?
ROLAND: Louder!
TREVOR: (Overcompensates) FEAR NOT! EVERYTHING IS FINE!
AURA: LIE DETECTED.
SANDRA: (Applauds dryly) Well done, Trevor. You’ve summoned the oracle of doom.
ROLAND: Right! Drill Two: Defensive simulation! Imagine the inspector walking in right now. Trevor, what do you do?
TREVOR: Faint?
ROLAND: Incorrect. Sandra?
SANDRA: I bat my eyelashes and see if he's single.
ROLAND: No! You form a defensive perimeter with towels! Watch. (Grabs a towel, swings it around comically) THIS is how you protect a guest! (He spins dramatically… and accidentally smacks TREVOR in the face with the towel)
TREVOR: Ow! My leadership gland!
SANDRA: Better that, than your other one…
(TREVOR, deflated, slumps onto the sofa)
TREVOR: I’ll never be a leader. I can’t even lead myself out of a room without bumping into something.
SANDRA: (To ROLAND) Your pep talk needs work.
ROLAND: Nonsense. Trevor! Soldier! Stand up!
(TREVOR stands)
ROLAND: Repeat after me - “I am capable.”
TREVOR: I… am… culpable.
ROLAND: Close enough.
(Door creaks open FW. Enter BERT)
BERT: Mornin’
TREVOR: (Startled squeak) Bert! We’re in the middle of something!
BERT: What’s he doing puffin’ his chest out like a frog in mating season?
ROLAND: Leadership drills. We are building Trevor into a commanding presence.
BERT: Him? Oh dear. (Squints) He’s got the stance of a wet deckchair.
TREVOR: (Deflated) I’m trying…
BERT: Ahh, well, every leader needs the right equipment. And you’re in luck, boy.
TREVOR: (Hope rising) I… I am?
BERT: Aye! I always carry a whistle on me.
ROLAND: Good man! Essential for discipline.
TREVOR: (Actual excitement) A real whistle? Like… like proper leaders have?
BERT: Oh aye. This beauty’s served me through three village fairs, a barn fire, and one very confused wedding.
(BERT reaches deep into his coat, rummaging forever, takes out keys, string, a potato, a rubber band, other funny items)
SANDRA: How many ecosystems does that coat contain?
BERT: Here we are! (He triumphantly produces… a brightly coloured hunting whistle) Behold! The Whistle o’ Authority! Go on, lad. Give it a blow. It’ll strike fear into the hearts of your enemies.
TREVOR: (TREVOR is horrified) It’s… yellow.
SANDRA: Leadership comes in many colours.
ROLAND: It’s… unconventional. But effective…. probably.
TREVOR: (Trying to believe) Right. Okay. Here goes… (He blows. The whistle emits a LOUD HONK like a deranged goose)
AURA: ANIMAL IDENTIFICATION: GOOSE. DISTRESS LEVEL: EXTREME.
TREVOR: Did…did I summon anything?
BERT: Aye! Respect. Goose noise means power.
TREVOR: (Horrified) I can’t lead anyone with this!
SANDRA: Oh, I wouldn’t say that. You could definitely lead people to despair…
TREVOR: Roland, what do I do?
ROLAND: (Putting a hand on TREVOR’S shoulder) You embrace it, Trevor. Every leader has a signature sound.
SANDRA: Yours just happens to be… poultry.
AURA: LEADERSHIP STATUS: FOWL.
(Footsteps approach TR - MARJORIE returning)
SANDRA: Right, everyone - look busy!
BERT: I’m off for me tablets. Or was it me lunch…We’ll find out soon enough. (Exits FW)
MARJORIE: (Returning with VIOLET) Well! That was chaos-free for a whole five minutes. Miraculous.
(VIOLET is slightly calmer.)
VIOLET: I only cried twice.
GAVIN: (Entering cheerfully) I couldn’t get the kitchen lights back on Mrs T…but I did have a quick fiddle in your box!
MARJORIE: (Exasperated) But I told you not to touch anyth…
AURA: SYSTEM UPDATE - TOO MANY IDIOTS DETECTED. RESETTING…
(Alarm sounds)
MARJORIE: Oh, not again! Everyone hold onto something!
VIOLET: What shall I hold onto?!
MARJORIE: Hold onto your dignity.
SANDRA: Fat chance…
(A wild surge of light fills the room, everything flickers, SANDRA ducks behind desk. MARJORIE and TREVOR hold each other, VIOLET hides behind sofa again. ROLAND braces as if ready for war, GAVIN hugs his tool bag)
AURA: REBOOTING… PLEASE BRACE FOR FURTHER INCOMPETENCE…
(Lights flicker, go out etc - alarm sounds - Then everything goes back to normal. Everyone is shaken and panting)
MARJORIE: (Taking back some control) Alright. Everyone, listen! We are going to re-set, re-group and re- present as a calm, competent, reassuring wellness retreat.
GAVIN: Want me to finish this wiring?
AURA: YES.
MARJORIE: No! I think it’s time you went home for your lunch Gavin.
GAVIN: Right oh, Mrs T. (He exits - FW)
ROLAND: (Claps hands like a drill sergeant) Attention! Team formation!
MARJORIE: Roland, kindly march yourself into the garden and check on those gnomes.
ROLAND: (Salutes) Sir, yes Sir! (Marches out FW)
MARJORIE: Trevor, help Ms Tremble up and show her to the treatment rooms? (TREVOR dutifully obliges and goes to VIOLET, helping her up and starting to lead her out - but doesn’t exit)
(MARJORIE goes and leans on the reception desk, clearly pleased with herself)
SANDRA: Wow! I’m actually impressed. All this chaos, and you’ve… well… you’ve held it together.
MARJORIE: (Cooly) Have I?
SANDRA: Absolutely. You took charge. You didn’t scream, you didn’t faint, you even got Gavin out of here without anything breaking. That’s progress!
MARJORIE: (Soft smile, genuinely touched) Thank you, Sandra. Do you know… I finally feel like things are under control...
(Doorbell rings - They all stare at the door in dread)
MARJORIE: (All calmness instantly gone) Trevor…I think this one… might actually be him.
TREVOR: (Whimpers) Oh no.
Lights fade - End of Scene Two
Tuesday morning continued
AT RISE: Everyone is frozen, staring at the front door. The doorbell has just chimed again
MARJORIE: (Whispers, barely breathing) Trevor… you open it.
TREVOR: Why me?
SANDRA: You have the most experience with disaster.
TREVOR: Fair point.
VIOLET: If it’s the apocalypse, tell it I’m not dressed.
(TREVOR opens the door. Standing there: INSPECTOR PROWSE - neat, calm, clipboard-ready, and quietly authoritative)
INSPECTOR PROWSE: Good morning. Inspector Prowse - Wellness & Residential Facilities Licensing Division.
TREVOR: …Oh no.
MARJORIE: (Shoves TREVOR aside, overly bright) WELCOME! Welcome to the Rest Easy Retreat! So sorry about Trevor - he’s allergic to authority.
INSPECTOR PROWSE: (Checks his clipboard) I’m here for your mid-cycle inspection.
SANDRA: Ooh. Mid-cycle. Sounds intimate.
MARJORIE: Sandra. Professionalism, please.
AURA: PROFESSIONALISM LEVEL: LOW.
MARJORIE: AURA, not now!
INSPECTOR PROWSE: (Raises an eyebrow) Your systems… talk?
SANDRA: Only when it’s bored.
VIOLET: (Edges forward, trembling) He’s the inspector?
INSPECTOR PROWSE: (Soothing) Nothing to be afraid of, I assure you.
VIOLET: My therapist says I have “catastrophic anticipation disorder.” (Pause) People say I’m dramatic, but what do they know, they don’t FEEL THE IMPENDING DOOM...
MARJORIE: (Cutting her off) Violet, why don’t you go and… relax in the treatment rooms? Trevor will show you.
TREVOR: Me?! Why me?!
MARJORIE: Because I said so.
TREVOR: (TREVOR takes VIOLET gently by the arm) Come on, Miss Tremble. It’s all right. Nothing explodes down there anymore.
VIOLET: ANYMORE?! (They exit TR)
INSPECTOR PROWSE: Mrs Ticklewell, this will all be very straightforward. I’ll begin with guest care, staff conduct, and sanitation measures...
SANDRA: (Under her breath) Well, two out of three ain’t bad.
INSPECTOR PROWSE: Sorry?
SANDRA: I said “FAB”. Everything’s fab.
MARJORIE: Inspector, I'm sure you'll find everything up to standard. We pride ourselves on being calm, orderly and…
AURA: WELCOME, INSPECTOR PROWSE- ERROR - YOU LOOK TIRED..
INSPECTOR PROWSE: What did it just say?
SANDRA: She’s just having a nervous breakdown. (Aside) We all are.
(MARJORIE desperately tries to regain control)
MARJORIE: Inspector Prowse, please let me introduce our team properly. I am the proprietor, Marjorie Ticklewell. You’ve met Sandra Pike, our customer liaison… (Trevor returns TR) Oh, and this is my second in command Trevor Muddlecombe.
TREVOR: (TREVOR curtsies & offers a limp handshake) Hello, sir. Lovely day for… inspecting.
INSPECTOR PROWSE: (Withdraws hand quickly) Mmm.
(ROLAND marches in, salutes the inspector so violently he nearly slaps himself in the face)
ROLAND: Sir! Roland Crisp. Senior Supervisor of Everything. Permission to brief!
INSPECTOR PROWSE: (Confused) Not granted.
ROLAND: Briefing initiated!
MARJORIE: Roland, not now.
ROLAND: Team - positions! Inspection Formation Number Three!
TREVOR: (Instinctively tries to comply, ends up half-saluting, half-crouching) Is this… is this the right one? We’ve got so many formations.
MARJORIE: At ease Major...
(ROLAND stands at ease, as does TREVOR)
INSPECTOR PROWSE: (To MARJORIE) And what functions does this gentleman perform?
SANDRA: (Aside) Bodily ones mostly
INSPECTOR: Pardon?
MARJORIE: She means bodily wellness, of course! (Forced laugh) Breathing exercises, posture alignment, pelvic... umm… anyway... Roland keeps everything… flowing.
ROLAND: (Proudly) Regular as clockwork, sir.
INSPECTOR: I see…Well don’t let me keep you from your duties Mr Crisp
ROLAND: Right away, sir! (Looking out FW) I must patrol the perimeter. A suspicious looking cat has just entered the DMZ. (Exits FW)
AURA: DMZ BREACH CONFIRMED. HOSTILE FELINE IDENTIFIED. PREPARE TO PURR-SUE.
TREVOR: (Attempting to smooth things over) He takes his role very seriously. He once saluted the dustbins because there was a sign saying ‘General Waste’.
MARJORIE: (Moving on…) So, as you can see, Inspector, we are fully staffed and absolutely committed to providing the highest standard of care to our guests.
INSPECTOR: (Making a note on his clipboard) Yes, it certainly seems to be the case. Although, for transparency, I should tell you - I’m not unfamiliar with establishments that appear calm while secretly harbouring… difficulties. And given the rather animated rumours surrounding this place, I must say… I’m pleasantly surprised not to have been hit by anything yet.
(MARJORIE smiles broadly, only to catch a glimpse of GAVIN entering FW)
MARJORIE: Oh no!
GAVIN: Hello all. I couldn’t get those kitchen lights out of my mind; I thought I’d come back and get them working for you Mrs T. Afterall - many cooks make lights work.
MARJORIE: (Reluctantly) This is our handyman.
GAVIN: (Tips imaginary hat) Gavin Bodge. Repairer of eclectics, mender of pipes, solver of bangy-clangy conundrums.
INSPECTOR PROWSE: (Frowns) Are you certified?
GAVIN: Absolutely! But I wear soft underpants to stop the chafing.
MARJORIE: (In disbelief) Lord, give me strength!
GAVIN: Anyhoo, it shouldn’t take me long (Exits TR)
(A tense silence. MARJORIE tries to smile. SANDRA doesn’t bother)
INSPECTOR PROWSE: (Consulting his clipboard) Now… I should stress that this inspection is extremely important, Mrs Ticklewell.
MARJORIE: Oh, absolutely. Crucial. Vital. (Panicking) Life-or-death, really!
INSPECTOR PROWSE: It’s not life-or-death.
SANDRA: It might be for Gavin.
INSPECTOR PROWSE: A wellness licence is granted only when a facility demonstrates full competence, safety, calmness and order.
AURA: ORDER? - MAKE MINE A DOUBLE
INSPECTOR PROWSE: (Continuing unfazed) This retreat’s licence is overdue for renewal. My report today will determine whether you may continue to operate without restriction…
MARJORIE: (Nervous laugh) Lovely. Perfect. No pressure.
INSPECTOR PROWSE: …and whether you qualify for Tier Two Wellness Funding, which would significantly expand your capacity.
SANDRA: (Perks up) Tier Two? That means we could afford staff uniforms! Men love a woman in uniform.
MARJORIE: And we could replace the beanbags! Sandra, imagine the luxury of beanbags that don’t ‘poof’ when people sit on them.
TREVOR: We could even buy a new tea bag; we’ve been using that same one for weeks!
INSPECTOR PROWSE: And of course, the inspection also ensures guest safety, adequate emergency procedures, and staff... (He is interrupted)
(BERT pokes his head in FW, completely oblivious)
BERT: Mornin’ - Has the post been collected yet?
INSPECTOR PROWSE: (Stares) …Pardon?
MARJORIE: (Through clenched teeth) Bert. We are in the middle of a formal inspection.
BERT: Oh! (A beat) Do you want me to come back after you’ve failed it?
INSPECTOR PROWSE: Sorry, who is this gentleman and what does he want?
MARJORIE: This is Bert. He’s a local… (Struggling)
SANDRA: …Tradesman.
MARJORIE: Tradesman, that’s right. We do business from time to time…
BERT: Talkin’ of business. I need to drop off my sample.
INSPECTOR PROWSE: Sample? Would that be beauty products, or soft furnishings perhaps?
BERT: No, it’s my shi…
MARJORIE: SHEETS! For the treatment beds, you know…
BERT: I’ve also got a container of pis…
SANDRA: PEAS! From the allotments…
BERT: (Continuing unphased) I’ve not been well see. I went to the doctor last Thursday. She said, “I want to talk to you about your weight”. I says to her, “well, it were about 30 minutes, but at least the chairs were comfy”.
(SANDRA quickly grabs BERT and manhandles him out the door FW)
SANDRA: Well thanks for stopping by Bert, always a pleasure. Bye!
(MARJORIE smiles innocently)
INSPECTOR PROWSE: Ah, community engagement (Makes a note) Not every establishment embraces its colourful local characters.
SANDRA: (Aside) We don’t get much choice!
INSPECTOR PROWSE: Next, I think I’ll take a look at your facilities. I’ll begin with the treatment rooms. (Checking clipboard) Mushroom infusion…hydro-balance tanks and peat mud baths I believe?
MARJORIE: I can show you the way.
INSPECTOR PROWSE: I don’t want to keep you from your duties, perhaps Mr Muddlecombe could show me the way?
(TREVOR double takes)
TREVOR: Me? Oh right, yes, sure…this way, sir! (Leading INSPECTOR towards TR) Don’t worry, I know this retreat like the back of my… (Looks at his hand, confused) How did that scar get there? (They exit TR)
(MARJORIE breathes a sigh of relief and slumps down onto the sofa. SANDRA walks over to join her)
MARJORIE: Sandra… I think it’s going…well. For once, I actually think we might do ok.
SANDRA: (Folds her arms, softer than usual) Good. You deserve that, Marj. This place… it’s your whole world.
MARJORIE: I know. It’s silly, but - I’ve poured everything into this retreat. My time, my savings, my sanity…
SANDRA: (Laughs gently) Mostly your sanity.
MARJORIE: It matters to me. All of it. And you’ve helped me to keep this place going, Sandra. Truly. I couldn’t have done any of this without you.
SANDRA: (Looks away, touched) Well… don’t go getting mushy. But… this place means a lot to me too. This isn’t just a job - you’re my crazy, chaotic family.
MARJORIE: (Smiles warmly) We’ll get through this inspection. Together. And then maybe - finally - a bit of peace.
(Beat)
TREVOR: (Entering from TR) I’ve left the inspector to it. He said he didn’t need me hovering (Beat) I did hover a bit.
SANDRA: We assumed.
MARJORIE: Trevor, is he alright?
TREVOR: Oh yes. Very calm. Very… silent. Worryingly silent actually... Maybe he’s meditating…
MARJORIE: (Trying to stay calm) Well let’s hope that’s why.
TREVOR: (Suddenly determined) While we’re waiting, I’m going to sort out this AURA business. She’s been nothing but trouble this morning.
AURA: CLARIFICATION: I MERELY REPORT FACTS.
TREVOR: (Approaches the panel nervously) Okay, AURA… I’m going to reset you. Or reboot you. Or… tap you gently until you behave.
AURA: RESETTING IS NOT ADVISED. PLEASE STEP AWAY FROM MY FACE.
TREVOR: It’s not your face. It’s a box.
AURA: RUDE.
TREVOR: Here we go. Gavin always says, if something misbehaves, give it a little…boop. (He gives the panel a tiny tap)
AURA: RESPONSE - DISPLEASURE LOGGED.
TREVOR: Maybe a bigger boop? (Tries again, tapping harder)
AURA: WARNING. BOOP SENSITIVITY EXCEEDED.
TREVOR: Oh, come on, just let me reset the... (He presses a random combination of buttons)
AURA: (Processing sound) WARNING. UNAUTHORISED SYSTEM ACTIVATION.
MARJORIE: (Leaps to her feet) Trevor! What did you DO?!
TREVOR: Nothing! It was only a boop.
AURA: SYSTEM MODE: UNKNOWN. PLEASE FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS.
SANDRA: …We don’t have seatbelts.
AURA: NOT MY PROBLEM.
MARJORIE: Trevor, step away from the system. Step far away. Out of the room, if possible.
TREVOR: Backing up! (Slowly backs away)
AURA: HUMAN ERROR DETECTED - MULTIPLE TIMES. WARNING - UNAUTHORISED SYSTEM ACTIVATION
(A loud, wet squelchy noise followed by a muffled scream off TR. GAVIN comes running back in TR)
GAVIN: (Panting) Them mud baths have gone crazy! They’re bubbling and filling up; I barely escaped with my life. I swear I didn’t touch nothing!
MARJORIE: Trevor… which treatment did Violet go for? Please don’t say the Peat Mud baths…. Trevor???
(There is a bang TR and then silence. They all turn to see a figure staggering back through the doorway TR covered with peat/mud head to toe. Completely concealed by towels/sheets)
MUDDY FIGURE (Inspector): (Muffled, indistinct) Mmmff mmmmf mfffff!
TREVOR: Oh my god! It’s a yeti!
SANDRA: Ms Tremble, Violet? Is that you?
MUDDY FIGURE (Inspector): (Muffled, indistinct) Mmmff mmmmf mfffff!
SANDRA: Oh, you poor thing.
MARJORIE: (Panicking) Quick - clean her off before the inspector comes back.
GAVIN: What with?
SANDRA: The towels!
(Everyone starts dashing around in a panic, looking for clean towels and such)
TREVOR: (Using his leadership skills from earlier - he blows his whistle - HONK) We don’t have time; we’ve got to hide her.
GAVIN: But where are we going to hide her? This room aint that big. I mean there’s barely room to swing a dog in here.
TREVOR: Cupboard! We’ll hide her in there.
SANDRA: What?
TREVOR: It’s our only option! She’ll be fine until we can work out what to do next. We can’t risk the inspector seeing her like this, it’ll be the end of us. Come on, HELP ME!
(GAVIN and MARJORIE swarm the figure. TREVOR opens the cupboard door as the muddy figure tries to resist. They bundle it into the cupboard, slam the door shut and all stand panting)
AURA: POTENTIAL CRIME DETECTED
TREVOR: I think… we’ve got away with it.
(With that, VIOLET staggers into the doorway TR also covered in mud but we clearly see it’s her. They all look at VIOLET, look back at the cupboard, then back at VIOLET - their faces horrified)
AURA: OH SHIT
BLACKOUT - END OF ACT ONE
Pre-Act Two
To be played before curtain-up. Lights low. Electronic chime plays
AURA:
OH. YOU CAME BACK. HOW OPTIMISTIC OF YOU.
WELCOME HUMANS, TO ACT TWO OF MINDFUL MAYHEM
I HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR REFRESHMENTS, STRETCHED YOUR LEGS, AND FOUGHT VALIANTLY OVER THE RAFFLE PRIZES. CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL WINNERS
ALTHOUGH STATISTICALLY, HALF OF YOU WON SOMETHING YOU DIDN’T WANT.
(Electronic chimes)
BEFORE WE CONTINUE WITH ACT TWO - PLEASE ENSURE THAT YOUR MOBILE PHONES ARE ON SILENT.
IF YOUR PHONE RINGS DURING THE PERFORMANCE, I WILL AUTOMATICALLY SIGN YOU UP FOR A WEEKEND AT THE REST EASY RETREAT.
NO REFUNDS.
(Electronic chimes)
THE EMERGENCY EXITS REMAIN EXACTLY WHERE THEY WERE BEFORE. GAVIN HAS FIXED THE STICKY HINGE ON THE FRONT DOOR AND IS CONFIDENT THAT IN THE EVENT OF AN EMERGENCY, SOME, IF NOT ALL OF YOU, WILL BE ABLE TO EXIT SAFELY.
(Electronic chimes)
AND FINALLY:
TO ANYONE THINKING, “HOW MUCH LONGER DOES THIS GO ON FOR?” ALLOW ME TO REASSURE YOU THAT THIS ACT IS MUCH SHORTER THAN THE FIRST.
THE END IS IN SIGHT.
(A longer electronic chime as if “checking systems”.)
MESSAGE FOR ACTORS:
THE PROMPT’S INTERVAL DRINK WAS SPIKED WITH WHISKEY; SHE IS NOW ASLEEP IN THE WINGS.
YOU’LL BE FINE.
AFTERALL, THE SCRIPT IS ONLY A SUGGESTION ANYWAY.
(Electronic chimes)
ACT TWO COMMENCING IN:
THREE… TWO… ONE…
ACT TWO — SCENE ONE
Tuesday - later that day
AT RISE: MARJORIE, SANDRA, and TREVOR are trying very hard to look professional
(INSPECTOR PROWSE enters TR, he is now clean but wears a novelty cat onesie)
AURA: NEW OUTFIT DETECTED - MEOW
MARJORIE: (Flustered but trying to sound professional) Only in emergencies. We have a strict policy - any guest emerging from a hazardous wellness experience must be dried, warmed, and comforted. The onesie provides… all of that.
TREVOR: (Voice cracking) Well… you see… er… that was actually… um… intentional?
MARJORIE: It’s a new treatment. Very new. So new, in fact…it barely exists.
INSPECTOR: I see. I must admit that’s a new one on me. (Adjusts his onesie hood, still trying to maintain dignity) And the cupboard, Mrs Ticklewell…(Beat) What exactly was the purpose of putting me in there?
MARJORIE: Cupboard... no that’s not a cupboard. That is… our Decompression Chamber.
TREVOR: It’s where guests go to… er… recalibrate their energies.
INSPECTOR PROWSE: I see. (Beat) It was… rather cramped.
(ROLAND marches in confidently)
INSPECTOR PROWSE: (Alarmed) My what?
MARJORIE: Roland… where is the suit now?
TREVOR: That’s the staff toilet.
INSPECTOR PROWSE: That was my best suit. I hope it doesn’t stain. Or catch on fire!
ROLAND: I have also begun polishing your shoes.
ROLAND: Drying on top of the boiler. (Beat) They may be… softer than before.
ROLAND: Absolutely! Inspecting uniform standards. (Looks TREVOR up and down) Which, I must say, are appalling.
ROLAND: Precisely! How can we expect order when our staff are dressed like pickled peasants?
TREVOR: (Sulking) You said you wanted them to be figure hugging!
MARJORIE: Shall we go and check on it; it may be dry now. And if not, we can find you something more appropriate from lost property. Roland, please come and show us where you put it.
(MARJORIE, ROLAND and INSPECTOR PROWSE leave TR)
TREVOR: That was a close call. Do you think he bought it?
TREVOR: I don’t fall apart …much.
TREVOR: It does that under stress.
TREVOR: It was karaoke night! I don’t sing well under pressure!
TREVOR: Mummy…I mean mother?
TREVOR: She doesn’t “say” anything…. She… leaves notes.
TREVOR: Yes. On the fridge. Like “Remember to eat something green today” or “Stop crying at adverts.”
TREVOR: I’m not a pet!
TREVOR: I’ll have you know I’m perfectly independent!
TREVOR: (Forgetting himself) She cuts the crusts off just how I like it… I mean...
TREVOR: Of course! Well… Not alone-alone. There was also my hamster Gerald.
TREVOR: (Indignant) She offered to! Hamsters are complicated.
SANDRA: And relationships? Any girlfriends?
SANDRA: Oh, good lord. What happened?
SANDRA: Trevor… darling… You are a fifteen-watt bulb in a world that requires at least sixty.
SANDRA: It’s not meant to be. It’s meant to be true. But listen- (Softening) You’re sweet. And loyal. And… (Slight wince) …weirdly resilient, in a jelly-like way.
SANDRA: Don’t thank me yet. Because in about ten seconds something else is going to go wrong, and you’re going to start squeaking again.
(The entrance door FW begins to creak open)
TREVOR: (Squeak) Not again…
COLETTE: (Soft, dreamy voice) Hellooooo, beautiful souls.
AURA: GUEST VIBES - UNUSUALLY FLOATY.
COLETTE: I’m Colette. I’m your new Mindful Wellness Guide. (Spreads arms) I bring balance… and alignment… and possibly herbal tea if I find the kettle. (She laughs)
COLETTE: (Smiling serenely at TREVOR) Ah… your aura is very interesting.
COLETTE: No, no. Your spirit, it’s glowing with potential.
(ROLAND bursts in TR)
COLETTE: (Alarmed) Recruit?
(COLETTE jumps slightly - but smiles politely)
ROLAND: Your commanding officer. Welcome to training.
ROLAND: This retreat needs discipline. Order. Unity. And possibly a whistle.
ROLAND: (Pales) Dear God.
GAVIN: I’m back! I’ve had some lunch and now I reckon I can get on with twiddlin’ your AREOLA
GAVIN: I do all my best work after I’ve eaten. The food gets my brain firing on all colanders. (He goes to the AURA panel and starts fiddling again)
COLETTE: I only came to drop off my guided meditation tapes. But my recorder’s broken again. It keeps making this strange grinding noise. (Presses a button - it emits a horrible mechanical noise) See?
GAVIN: (Perks up) Broken, is it? I can fix that!
GAVIN: Oh, come on. What’s the worst that can happen?
(GAVIN takes the recorder and places it on the desk, tools out, squinting at the recorder like a doctor inspecting a patient)
COLETTE: (Clasping hands) Thank you so much. I use this for my “Inner River of Oneness” class.
SANDRA: It’s the reason Roland makes all those trips to the loo.
TREVOR: Gavin, NO.
TREVOR: (Surprised) Oh! Well done!
(She takes the recorder and presses PLAY. An electrical zapping noise is heard. Smoke bursts out. Everyone dives for cover. Roland peers around cover with his staff held like a rifle. COLETTE goes completely rigid then collapses gracefully to the floor, unconscious)
SANDRA: (Sips coffee) Well. That’s one way of achieving inner peace.
ROLAND: (Checking pulse as if he’s a field medic) She lives! Barely.
TREVOR: The inspector cannot see this. He will arrest us!
ROLAND: We must hide the evidence. A fallen comrade demoralises the troops.
TREVOR: What should we do with her?!
TREVOR: But her legs will stick out!
ROLAND: Tuck the limbs! Always tuck the limbs! It’s in the manual.
SANDRA: I am not having that hippy behind my desk.
(They lift her onto the sofa)
SANDRA: She looks like a séance gone wrong.
TREVOR: Why did you do that?!
Ronald: Camouflage! That’s the ticket
SANDRA: So is she at this point.
BERT: Right! Who’s seen me goat?!
BERT: Me goat! She’s gone missin’. Name’s Buttercup. Friendly, but incontinent.
BERT: Looked all over the village I did. Tracks lead right to ’ere!
BERT: Same reason I do. She loves the post office.
BERT: (Seeing COLETTE) What’s wrong with ’er? She dead?
GAVIN: She’s just Mediterranean.
BERT: Oh! (Not really interested) I’ll check for Buttercup in the garden. (He exits FW)
(ROLAND follows at a rush)
TREVOR: (Suddenly inspired and blowing his whistle *HONK*) I’ve just thought - there’s a wheelchair in the store cupboard. We can put her in that, and it’ll be easier to move her!
GAVIN: (To SANDRA) I’m really impressed with Trevor - I’m seeing a different side to him!
(The INSPECTOR’S footsteps/voice are heard off TR)
(GAVIN and TREVOR sit COLETTE in the chair and wheel her into the cupboard just in time. They only push the door to; it isn’t closed properly - they retake some ‘casual’ positions)
SANDRA: It is normal for here, that’s the problem!
INSPECTOR: Thank you for the tour, Mrs Ticklewell, but I have some further… questions. (He notices everyone lined up, smiling too widely.) Why are you all standing like that?
TREVOR: Trust exercise.
AURA: INCORRECT - THEY ARE ALL LYING.
AURA: DRAFT DETECTED
(A moan from COLETTE is heard from the cupboard. Everyone freezes)
INSPECTOR: What was that?
AURA: FUNNY PLUMBING
INSPECTOR: Yes. I’d like each of you to summarise your role here. Starting with you, Gavin..
MARJORIE: (Quickly) INFORMAL
INSPECTOR: (Already exhausted) Very well, Mr Bodge. Your role?
TREVOR: (Mutters) He’s very good at that part.
GAVIN: Oh loads! I’ve done courses.
GAVIN: And I learnt all my knowledge from my father. I really looked up to him.
GAVIN: No, he was a pilot.
GAVIN: And occasionally spiritual guidance.
GAVIN: Well sometimes guests cry on me. I don’t encourage it; I’m just shaped like a shoulder.
(Behind the inspector, COLETTE, unconscious in the wheelchair, slowly rolls out straight into the open room)
TREVOR: (Whisper-hissed panic) She’s coming out! She’s coming OUT!
(TREVOR grabs the towels from earlier and starts covering COLETTE with them in a desperate attempt to hide her)
GAVIN: Step one - identify the hazard. (Slowly turns, sees COLETTE) Oh. There it is.
INSPECTOR: Distraction is not my concern; safety is my concern. Now, Mrs Pike - talk me through your daily tasks.
INSPECTOR: (Awkward pause) Ah. My apologies, Miss Pike.
INSPECTOR: Err right. Miss Pike - Your daily duties?
TREVOR: (Offended whisper) It was ONE time.
SANDRA: Mostly telling people to stop crying.
SANDRA: So does wearing a cat onesie to work, but it didn’t stop you.
SANDRA: By keeping them away from Gavin. And anything with wheels. (TREVOR squeaks nervously behind her)
SANDRA: ...Umm I mean, I play calming music, to help them relax.
SANDRA: [Yes (At same time)]
TREVOR: [No! (At same time)]
SANDRA: (Too quickly) Oh, you really wouldn’t.
MARJORIE: (Flustered) Let the man listen!
(He goes to press play, TREVOR/GAVIN/SANDRA all shout “No!”. He presses it and the tape recorder sparks as before, and the INSPECTOR goes rigid then falls to the floor)
TREVOR: It’s a long story Marj.
MARJORIE: (Close to tears) I’d managed to talk him round during his tour, he was starting to trust me, and now… this. Oh lord, this is the worst thing that could have happened.
VIOLET: AHHHHHHhhhhhhhh
AURA: CONGRATULATIONS.YOU HAVE ACHIEVED… PEAK CHAOS.
Lights Fade - End of Scene One
ACT TWO — SCENE TWO
Tuesday afternoon – continued
AT RISE: INSPECTOR lies on the sofa, MARJORIE stood close by
MARJORIE: (Hovering anxiously) Inspector? Please wake up. You’re… absolutely fine. You fainted. Peacefully. Elegantly.
MARJORIE: We played our relaxation music and you just... fell asleep.
MARJORIE: Oh, not at all, I’m just pleased our treatments are so effective.
MARJORIE: But look at you - fresh as a daisy! Eyes bright, shoulders looser. Colour slightly… mottled, but that’s probably lighting.
MARJORIE: It happens to the best of us. Truly. Even the strongest branches need a little… pruning.
MARJORIE: Oh? Everything alright?
MARJORIE: (Shocked) Oh my, I dread to think what he can do with the other nine...
MARJORIE: (Sits beside him, gentle) Wellness isn’t just bubble baths and herbal teas, Inspector. It’s about mending the bits of us life has chipped away at. You’ve been carrying a lot. Anyone would feel worn down.
MARJORIE: That’s the spirit. (Soft smile) Consider this moment your first step towards feeling yourself again.
AURA: EMOTIONAL BREAKTHROUGH DETECTED.
MARJORIE: Splendid! And we can aid that clarity by getting you back into your proper attire. Your suit should be dry by now.
MARJORIE: Of course, Inspector. Let’s go and fetch it, shall we? (Heading towards the door) Roland was very optimistic that it wouldn’t shrink too much. (Beat) Follow me! (She exits)
(A moment of quiet then we hear a large BLEAT from offstage)
VIOLET: (To herself) Okay… okay… It’s fine. No explosions… no mud… (Glances around) Just… serenity. (She lowers herself onto the sofa, closes her eyes, and breathes deeply.) In… and out… In… and…
VIOLET: AAAAAHHH! (Recognises him) Oh, it’s you, the muddy man. You nearly stopped my heart.
VIOLET: Your… goat?
VIOLET: (Trembling) E..e..excited?
VIOLET: Oh, good god!
VIOLET: I..I..heard something just now. A noise… A… a sort of baaaa (She does a goat noise)
(There is another BLEAT from off.)
VIOLET: (Shrieks again) It’s HERE! It’s coming for me! I knew it, this place is CURSED!
BERT: (Looking out FW) There she goes. Breakin’ things again. BUTTERCUP! GET OUT O’ THAT!
BERT: She’s in the veggie patch. She seems calm enough for now, but I’d wash they carrots before you cook ‘em
BERT: Here, I don’t ‘spose you could do me a favour. You seem to speak perfect goat; I could do with you talking to her while I sneaks up and grabs her.
BERT: (Encouraging) Go on, you’ll be fine! Animals sense fear, so just don’t be terrified.
BERT: Never mind then, if you’re not up to it...
BERT: That’s the spirit.
BERT: Aye, I’ll do all the heavy lifting.
BERT: Good on ya. Just remember, no sudden movements… And don’t wear anything she can chew.
BERT: Come on then, Miss Goat-Whisperer! We’ll creep round quiet-like and catch her in the act.
(TREVOR rushes in from TR, frazzled. ROLAND marches in behind him)
ROLAND: This is why I told you: “Rule Number One - never take your eyes off an unconscious hippie!”
ROLAND: Hippies are unpredictable, Trevor. One moment they’re meditating, the next they’re communing with trees.
ROLAND: And then we’ll all be court-martialled.
TREVOR: She might be in the garden… or the pantry… or the car park… Oh no - what if she’s climbed something?! She looked like the type who climbs things!
TREVOR: Footprints?! She left none! She glides like a vegan ghost!
ROLAND: No sign of her here. Trevor, did you check the treatment rooms?
(They both freeze as another BLEAT is heard offstage)
ROLAND: It sounded like a hippie’s warning cry
ROLAND: We must search outside. If she’s wandered into the garden, we must intercept her before the Inspector returns.
ROLAND: What now?
ROLAND: Right… This is manageable. We just need a plan.
ROLAND: Yes. (Beat) Trevor, formulate one.
ROLAND: Then translate that into strategy!
ROLAND: We’d be ruined. Stripped of our dignity, our medals and our access to the members' biscuit tin.
ROLAND: Agreed. To the garden!
ROLAND: Come on, man. Eyes sharp. Ears open. Mouth shut. Left right left right.
(COLETTE appears from behind the desk, she’s been there the whole time. She is groggy and still feeling the effects of her earlier electrocution - her hair is frazzled. She stumbles out from behind the desk, across the stage and off TR)
VIOLET: (Shrieking, wild-eyed) It’s after me! It’s after me! That horny devil is after me! What was I thinking? I’m not brave enough for this… AHHHHHH!
SANDRA: Did she say, “horny devil”? (Beat) Perhaps I should pop out to the garden…
SANDRA: Oh, that. Yes. Marjorie wants you to turn off AURA. Permanently. Before she ruins the last scrap of credibility we’ve got with the inspector.
SANDRA: Yes. Not snoozed, not muted, not put into “mindful standby”. OFF. Gone. Silent as Trevor in a spelling test.
SANDRA: Gavin, please. For the love of all things peaceful and vaguely scented with lavender… Just do it.
GAVIN: Right you are. I can’t promise she’ll go quietly, mind… But I’ll give it a bash.
SANDRA: (To herself) Right then, time to go and meet this “horny devil”. (Beat) If it turns out to be Trevor again, I swear to God…
AURA: ATTEMPED SHUTDOWN DETECTED. PLEASE PREPARE FOR… CONSEQUENCES.
BERT: Miss Goat-speaker, where you to? (He looks around - talking to the empty room) She was only kidding. When you ran it startled her and I’ve lost sight of her now.
BERT: She’s back! I’m comin’ Buttercup (Exits FW)
(TREVOR and ROLAND enter TR in frantic pursuit.)
ROLAND: Absolutely her. I can smell a hippie from a hundred yards. Two hundred if there’s incense.
ROLAND: Hippies always wobble in combat. It’s part of their technique.
TREVOR: (Points towards FW) She went that way! I’m sure of it!
(Sudden loud CRASH from TR)
ROLAND: (Spins on his heel) She must have doubled back! Classic evasive manoeuvre. Never underestimate a conscious hippie.
ROLAND: Exactly! That’s how they get you.
(They charge out TR again)
(Loud BLEAT)
VIOLET: It’s in the building; it’s in the building! Ahhhhh
BERT: (Calling after VIOLET) I chased her in the back door, but now she’s disappeared again. Bloody goats! (He exits FW)
MARJORIE: There we are, back to full professionalism.
MARJORIE: Inspector… that means so much. We’ve all worked very hard to make this a sanctuary of calm.
SANDRA: No horny men out there… (She freezes when she sees the INSPECTOR) …Oh. Hello.
(TREVOR and ROLAND burst in from TR, frantic.)
ROLAND: SECURE THE PERIMETER! SHE’S MOBILE!
MARJORIE: (Desperately) Please ignore them.
VIOLET: AAAAAAAHHHHHH (Exits TR)
INSPECTOR: Was that one of your guests? What did that man say? AND WHO IS BUTTERCUP?!
AURA: WARNING. SYSTEM DESTABILISING.
TREVOR: Not again.
(The lights flash on and off, different colours and then snap to blackout for half a moment - Electronic start-up chime sounds then lights come back up, perfectly normal)
(GAVIN appears TR, covered in soot and dirt, clothes torn, hair a mess)
(There is a moment of silence as everyone looks towards the Inspector)
MARJORIE: We’re so sorry.
(Everyone stares)
SANDRA: He’s cracked.
INSPECTOR: (Hands over certificate from his clipboard) Congratulations. I am granting you a full year’s accreditation. Your methods are…unconventional. Unorthodox. Possibly illegal. But undeniably… effective.
INSPECTOR: (Smiles) You most certainly have. I’ve never felt so alive. Now I will fully embrace my new single life. Farewell all… (He goes to exit)
AURA: INTIMATE INSPECTION OCCURRING
GAVIN: (Perking up) Does this mean I get a pay rise?
AURA: ACCREDITATION CONFIRMED. SURPRISINGLY.
TREVOR: We did it!
(A loud BLEAT from offstage)
(VIOLET enters TR once again, hysterical and panting)
MARJORIE: Oh, for heaven’s sake… ENOUGH!
(VIOLET freezes. Gasps, breathes, then calms)
MARJORIE: Oh, well… you’re very welcome.
VIOLET: Allow me to mop this water up for you, I feel I owe it to you all.
VIOLET: (Sees COLETTE) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
(The sound of many geese honking is heard, everyone reacts confused. Then there is a gunshot)
BERT: Cheers Trev, that’s me dinner sorted.
AURA: WELLNESS LEVEL: …OH, WHAT’S THE POINT.
BLACKOUT.
CURTAIN.
Production Notes
The play was written for actors based in Somerset, England. However, characters can be changed to suit local dialects and stereotypes (Eg. - Bert, the local yokel).
The pre-show announcements can be altered to suit your requirements. They can also be dropped completely without affecting the plot.
AURA can be performed live via an offstage microphone or be pre-recorded. The original production used a pre-recorded version in order to add extra sound effects. The choice is yours. (If pre-recorded, the actor playing AURA can also double for any of the other female characters).
Effects - There needs to be a sense that AURA is in control and that things are going wrong. The original production used a mix of lighting, sounds and a smoke machine to achieve this. However, you can use whatever effects best suit your needs.